Navigating the Complexities of Modern Relationships with Jonathan Aslay

In this episode of the Starter Girls Podcast, host Jennifer Loehding sits down with Jonathan Aslay, one of America’s leading midlife dating coaches, to explore the deeper dimensions of love, relationships, and self-worth. After the tragic loss of his 19-year-old son in 2018, Jonathan embarked on a soul-searching journey that reshaped his philosophy on dating and personal growth.

Together, they discuss the challenges of modern dating, the importance of emotional intelligence, and how self-love plays a critical role in forming healthy connections. Jonathan, who shares his insights with over 200,000 YouTube subscribers, offers wisdom from his book, What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway?, highlighting how vulnerability, effective communication, and self-awareness can transform relationships. Whether you're navigating midlife dating or simply looking to strengthen your sense of self, this conversation is packed with valuable takeaways.

Takeaways

• Emotional intelligence is crucial in all aspects of life, especially in relationships.
• Understanding compatibility is essential for building successful relationships.
• Vulnerability is key to building trust and fostering deeper connections.
• Self-awareness is fundamental to personal growth and relationship success.
• Navigating modern dating requires clarity on emotional maturity and relationship skills.
• Conversations about money are important to avoid misalignment in relationships.
• Creating a stellar dating profile helps attract the right match.
• Relationships require intentionality, curiosity, and open communication.

You can learn more about Jonathan and his work by visiting https://www.jonathonaslay.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Starter Girlz Podcast
• 1:15 The Importance of Relationships
• 3:00 Navigating Modern Dating Challenges
• 6:40 Emotional Maturity in Relationships
• 12:30 The Shift in Relationship Dynamics
• 18:12 Self-Awareness and Authenticity in Love
• 22:46 Understanding Men: A Unique Perspective
• 23:45 The Art of Interrogation in Dating
• 26:57 Building Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
• 29:19 The Importance of Vulnerability
• 32:07 Navigating the Dating Landscape
• 36:32 Crafting an Effective Dating Profile
• 39:20 Lessons on Personal Growth and Success

Transcript

[00:00:00] Jennifer Loehding: Welcome to the Starter Girlz Podcast, your ultimate source of inspiration and empowerment. We're here to help women succeed in every area of their lives, career, money, relationships, and health and wellbeing, while celebrating the remarkable journeys of individuals from all walks of life who've achieved amazing things. 

Whether you're looking to supercharge your career, build financial independence, nurture meaningful relationships, or enhance your overall wellbeing, the Starter Girlz Podcast is here to guide you. Join us as we explore the journeys of those who dare to dream big and achieve greatness. I'm your host Jennifer Loehding, and welcome to this episode. 

Welcome to another episode of The Starter Girlz podcast. I'm your host, Jennifer Loehding, and wherever you are tuning in today. We are so glad to have you. So this episode is going to be fun. I just know it's gonna be a lot of fun and because we are talking about relationships, which I think are so important. 

All right, so let me open this up. Love is one of the most fundamental human desires, yet so many people searching for it find themselves facing deeper, more personal struggles along the way. My guest today has spent years guiding others through the journey of relationships and connection, but his path took an unexpected turn after a profound personal loss. 

What he discovered in the process reshaped not only his work. His entire philosophy on what it truly means to love both ourselves and others. And so I'm so excited about this 'cause I just think this is such an important thing. And so before we get him on here, we do wanna do a quick shout out to our sponsor. 

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All right. And with that I do need to make one more announcement. Be sure you head on over to starter Girlz.com, and I always have to say this, it's with a Z, not an S. I don't know where that S is gonna take you, but make sure you get the Z and there you can keep up with all of the episodes that are going out. 

If you've missed any, you can catch up and. Of course, if you are a business owner, you can head on over there and take our success block quiz. It's kind of fun. It'll tell you what your number one success block is that may be hindering your success. So again, starter Girlz.com with a Z. All right, let's get our guest on. 

I'm excited. John Jonathan Aslay is one of America's leading midlife dating coaches with over 200,000 YouTube subscribers and a reputation for helping men and women navigate the complexities of modern relationships. After the heartbreaking loss of his 19-year-old son Connor, in 2018, Jonathan embarked on a deep inner journey, one that led him to an often overlooked aspect of dating and relationships, the critical role of self-worth, self regard, and self-love. 

Now he is on a mission to help others cultivate these essential qualities, sharing his insights through his book, what the Heck is Self-Love? Anyway, A guide filled with engaging spiritual and personal growth practices. So Jonathan, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you here today.  

[00:03:41] Jonathan Aslay: I'm so excited to be here. 

Can I get a copy of the intro you created for me? It sounded so good. I need that. Isn't that fun for future wise? Hey, I dunno. I  

[00:03:47] Jennifer Loehding: shared with you, I, I mentioned off camera that I was at Mary Kay for many, many years. Yeah. And we always had to have these like. Accolades and intros. And so that is like one of my favorite parts is to take like, and I love Pod Match because y'all have all your little bios in there. 

Yeah. So I can craft all that up. And that is like my most favorite part is to do those intros.  

[00:04:08] Jonathan Aslay: I'm gonna, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go on chat, GPT and have mine redone.  

[00:04:13] Jennifer Loehding: Hey, ask yourself, be like, who is Jonathan Asley? It will give you a beautiful bio, but you know what? It's so fun. I think it's so fun when somebody else speaks that into us. 

You know what I mean? Yeah. 'cause we get so used to what we do that we forget like all of our greatness. Right. And when somebody else kind of plays that back to us, we're like, yeah, I've done some cool stuff.  

[00:04:32] Jonathan Aslay: That's pretty cool. You know? 

See now me, it's always I turned, is that me?  

[00:04:37] Jennifer Loehding: I had another guy on here a few weeks ago that did the same thing. 

He was like, is that me? Oh yeah. He was like this 81-year-old man. It was so fun to chat with him. But I still read that. And he was like. You, you just kind of forget about those things that you do. Yeah. So anyways, I'm glad you liked it.  

[00:04:53] Jonathan Aslay: Thank you.  

[00:04:54] Jennifer Loehding: Awesome. Alright, so let's talk about you and what you're doing. 

I wanna kind of kind of back this up. So first I want you to tell our audience a little about, a little bit about what you do, because I love this whole thing. We talked about the self-worth, the self regard, all of that, because I think that is so important. So kind of tell us a little bit about what you're doing now. 

[00:05:11] Jonathan Aslay: Um, well, what I, I mean, what I do is I'm a dating a relationship coach, mostly working for women in midlife, and I always say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my audience is between 42 and 69. And why I choose to focus on that demographic, actually, for me, it started when I went through a divorce 20 years ago. 

I turned 40, was going through a divorce. Found myself back in the dating marketplace and I'm like, the world has changed. Now mind you, this was 20 years ago, right? The world had changed dramatically with online dating, and since then it has catapulted. Online dating now represents 65% of all new relationships. 

That are happening today are happening through some sort of online connection. So when I originally got started, it was to help women with their improve their dating profiles. But it's morphed into, as you shared in my bio, how I've gotten into a deeper understanding of why relationships don't tend to work out even from those early states of dating. 

And what I do as a coach is I help guide people to get clarity on who they are. Who's compatible with them asking the right questions to determine compatibility, but most importantly, asking those deeper questions to determine emotional maturity and relationship skills. Because here's the real challenge, relationships tend to end. 

If you look across the spectrum, it's because couples don't really have good, solid emotional maturity or relationship skills. So I like to talk. More about how to develop those skills so you can actually prepare yourself to be in a relationship.  

[00:07:00] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah, no, I love that. And you're so right. I, I would not agree more on that because our cannot, because that is so true. 

I think it's, I think emotional intelligence is so important in everything we do, right? From raising kids, but in relationships, when you're with somebody every single day and you're talk, having conversation, that is so important and so. I, yeah, I just, I can't even stress that enough. And so when you, and even talking about, when you're saying those questions, because I think it's a difference of like, how do you ask like the right kinds of questions and good questions and you develop conversation, right? 

And yeah. And so, yeah, I could see that be important. And I do wanna make a comment about the dating because I, you know, I'm. I'm kind of that middle. I've been married for a long time, but I'm in that group that you would be talking to right now. Yeah. And I can only imagine what it's like because I see my, my, like my son, my youngest one, going through those dating apps and it's like swipe, swipe and I'm looking at this and thinking. 

God. You know, when we were dating back in the day, dating was like, I remember those things. You had to call in and like leave like a, a message on a recording thing. You didn't have like videos and all that. Like you would just leave this thing and you'd push a button if you were interested. Then you had to set up sort of like a blind date because you had no way to see this person. 

It was just like physical description. Right? So you had no idea until you showed up and you're like. That's who that person is now. And now they've got everything there. But it's so like, they're looking at a picture. Right? They're looking at the picture and you're hoping that you're like, gonna get somebody normal, but you don't know. 

Right? So it's, it's just a big scary thing. At least to me, it feels like a big, scary thing.  

[00:08:32] Jonathan Aslay: Well, you know, it's interesting 'cause you reminded me of what was called 9, 7, 6 numbers that where you, it was, yeah, that was it. It was 9, 7, 6. Like that was the prefix to how to get into these portals of all different types of things. 

And right around the eighties or nineties, actually when I met my, then now ex-wife I met in 1990. But back then, you know, the predominant place to meet people was in bars or maybe in college or, yes, maybe your workplace. Those were like three of the. The primary places, whether it was school, whether it was your workplace, whether it was a social environment, like a bar or something like that. 

Um, and then these 9, 7, 6 numbers came out and it was like, and I did them a few times and oh my God, I. Did I get catfished on a date? I mean, and it would be a little bit unfair of me to share how much I felt I got catfished. But you know, the world has changed a lot since then. And understanding compatibility, but most importantly, emotional maturity as I was saying earlier, you know, here's the thing, most humans think everybody else is the problem, right? 

They rarely ever look in the mirror and go, wow, you know what? I don't have as good of relationship skills as I think I do. Wow. I don't have as good of communication skills as I think I do. Wow. You know what? I do get triggered. I do get oversensitive. I sometimes get defensive. And by the way, if you say those things, that is emotional maturity, if you can actually identify right of where you're weak. 

But it's interesting, most everybody does this. They point the finger at everybody else. And they don't see those three looking back at them. And what I mean is in the area of emotional maturity, relationship skills, good communication skills, that sort of thing. And, and it's interesting because I coach women, Jennifer. 

Mm-hmm. Women have a propensity to believe that they are better emotional communicators than men. They think that men oftentimes are very weak emotionally and. And, and that's kind of the baseline that I see a lot of women operate. Now, I can tell you from my observation, women might be very good at vomiting emotions and vomiting feelings, and I'm being a little tongue in cheek. 

So if I offended anyone, I apologize.  

[00:10:53] Jennifer Loehding: You're not, yeah, you're not offending me.  

[00:10:55] Jonathan Aslay: But to truly know what you're feeling. To actually then articulate that to someone else, which is vulnerability can be very scary for people. And more importantly, and this is what I see a lot of women don't do, is advocate for their needs of what do they need out of a relationship. 

And so the minute they engage with, there's a little bit of chemistry, a little bit of connection, a little bit of physical going on. I've observed a lot of women go silent. You know, in relationship, and then they're wondering why, you know, and then they're pointing the finger at men. Yeah. Now, by the way, men are no picnic either. 

So let me just say this. Most men are rather clueless. Yeah. And let me explain why men at midlife, oftentimes the, uh, roughly 75% of singles over 45 years old are divorced. And because of divorce, our normal strategy for entering into a relationship when we're in our twenties and thirties is find a spouse, make babies, raise a family. 

Right? That's the purpose. Okay. A lot of people in midlife don't really have that same, you know, rooted purpose. It's about spending time together, which is great, but they're not looking at it from a partnership based perspective, and this is why now, casual relationships. Are now outnumbering serious relationships. 

Interesting, interesting.  

[00:12:25] Jennifer Loehding: Well, you know, and it's interesting that you say that because I've been married for 28 years and it, and you know what? Obviously my. When I got into my relationship in the beginning is very different than I feel like it is now. Right. Like the priorities have shifted. Now I'm about quality time and and connection and all that. 

Whereas in the beginning, yeah, I don't even think we had time for any of that. 'cause we had kids like Right, yeah. We were spending all our time raising kids. But it's so interesting that you say that because I'm even like watching my kids and the dynamics are different, right? It's this younger generation. 

I think too, the dynamics are different in, in this relationship world, you know? So there's so much to this, but. I wanna go back to when you were talking about that emotional maturity is admitting, because I think that is so important even in business, like Right? Yeah. Being open and, and saying that you have a weakness and not taking that in. 

So personally, right? Being able to say, I. Yeah, maybe I suck at this, you know?  

[00:13:14] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah.  
 

[00:13:14] Jennifer Loehding: It took me a real, I'm not always perfect at that, but I'm much better at that now, where I can say, if somebody calls me out, you know what? You're right. I suck at that. I'm not very good at that. You know, or  

[00:13:23] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah,  
 

[00:13:23] Jennifer Loehding: yeah, fair enough. 

I did that and I probably shouldn't have done that, you know? And so I think that really gets back to that value that you are talking about with women really. Placing that self-worth in yourself, that, that the flaw does not equal the bad person, right? Like they're two different things. You have a flaw, but that doesn't make you a bad person. 

You're still lovable and you have worth, right? And so. Um, I dunno if I shared with you, I read, um, Jamie Kern Lima has a really good book out there that talks about the difference between like confidence and self-worth.  

[00:13:53] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah. And  
 

[00:13:53] Jennifer Loehding: funny enough, I never really thought about those being independent of one another until I read that book and it made so much sense to me because she talks about how. 

Confidence is about attaining a skill. Like you get good at something. Yeah. And a lot of times we think the better we get at, uh, achieving accolades or all of these things, that's gonna build our confidence. Yeah. And that doesn't necessarily, that's why you see successful people that really are not all. 

That confident, right? Yeah. And so there's a difference between how you value yourself versus the confidence you have in a skill or whatever. And so that was a real eye-opener for me when I read that.  

[00:14:30] Jonathan Aslay: Never thought of that. I think coming back to identifying if, if, if we look at the word weakness, I, I just wanna maybe reframe it. 

Sure. In an area of a genuine insecurity or lack of competence in an area. Right. And so when we can identify where we're weak, where we struggle, where we have doubts, where we may not feel competent, of course we can put up the facade, I am confident and blah, blah, blah, which is a mask a lot of people wear. 

Um, I. But I encourage, actually, in my own private coaching, one of the exercises I do with clients is to actually ask themselves where do they have weaknesses? And I'll give you an example just to illustrate this. Yeah. So, um, I struggle traveling internationally. I struggle, I. Like, in other words, first off, I, I am, I'm, I'm not, you know, I don't like the fact that, you know, getting to the airport early and all that kind of stuff, but I do that because I'm very anal retentive about, I don't wanna miss a flight, so I, right. 

I get anxious to begin with just because I want to get to the airport on time. But yeah, excluding that. When I've traveled abroad, I felt uncomfortable. I feel like I'm in a foreign place. I don't know where I'm at. I feel uncertainty. Yeah. And I'm very aware of this. Now, do I act like a spastic kid, 5-year-old running around? 

No, but internally, there's a 5-year-old inside of me that feels like it's spastic. Mm-hmm. Um, because it's uncomfortable for me. So I share this because, um. Uh, uh, I'm in a relationship now and I wanna share how she reacted to that. But I'm very upfront in the, I've been very upfront in the dating process. 

If I connected with someone I like and I share this, and I remember literally one woman saying to me, you know, if that's the case, I don't even wanna engage anymore. Oh. And because she likes to travel. Yeah. And I'm like, great. We, we are misaligned. Uh, you know, or she didn't feel comfortable with that. I felt like it was important to share a little bit about my little right, my inner 5-year-old, my inner 6-year-old, and because I know how important that is to people now, fast forward, I'm in a relationship with someone. 

I shared that and she goes, well, do you mind if I just plan all the trips and you be, you know, and I'm like, my hand is raised. You plan everything. That's good. I just wanna put on a blindfold. Just tell me where we're going. And are you cool with that? And she was totally fine with that. So knowing who you are isn't just about your strengths, right? 

It's about those things that aren't perfect, particularly when it comes to romantic love.  

[00:17:09] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. No, this is so good. I really think though, it just, it really transfers all over because life, I mean, it really does because I think it's, it's just self-awareness we're really talking about here, right? Yeah. 

Being aware of where you're good. And I love that. And you said, you know about the five-year-old child, because I think it, isn't it, Tony Robinson says we're all like five year olds in grownup bodies. You know? Yes. We all have these, we all have these fears and I would be with you. I that, I would be the same way with that traveling. 

So. I don't know. You and I would never get anywhere. I think, because I'd be the same way. I'd be like, forget that we're not traveling internationally. You know, because I, I'm one of those, like, I hate, I hate, I really, I love to travel, but I hate getting out my space too. You know what I mean? Like, I hate the airport. 

I hate having to go through the secure, I just don't like any parts of my, they'd make that. They need to figure out how to make that like a pampering session. And maybe my whole perception would change, you know? So I'm with you on that. But I think, I think the point here and the message you're making is really knowing yourself and, and being authentic and real, right? 

Like, being okay with saying that because. That, you know, values are important in a relationship, and if they are misaligned, it is very difficult to navigate those waters. You know, and the fact that you're putting that up there and saying, Hey, be clear about some of these things, you know?  

[00:18:18] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah.  
 

[00:18:18] Jennifer Loehding: Really upfront, because you're comfortable in yourself to do that. 

You, you waste, you cut down on that waste of time that you'd have to put in there to have, to navigate that in, in the long run, you know?  

[00:18:28] Jonathan Aslay: I think if we look at what causes relationships to end, in fact, it was interesting. I remember it. During my divorce, we, we actually went to family court. Okay. We, and, and if anyone knows family court, what happens is they, you know, they tell you to, like, they have six couples that get there at 8:00 AM Oh, wow. 

And whoever's first on the docket goes first and the second one, third one. So I remember getting there at 8:00 AM there were six couples and we happened to be couple number four. Okay. To go in front of the judge. So I'm listening to the other couples share their experiences and I was just thinking to myself, you know what? 

You could literally connect the dots from this point going backward to where the cause of the problem in their relationship. Mm-hmm. And it occurred to me that if we start thinking of like, okay, where do most relationships fail? Well, money ends up being one of the biggest issues. Yeah. In relationship, physical connection is another big issue in relationship. 

I mean, those are the two primary things. Now there are more to that, but. Um, if we have that understanding, well then how about we enter into relationships? With a more intentionality because if we know why relationships fail, then maybe we should address this sooner rather than later. That's what I talk about. 

So this weekend, my girlfriend and I, who we've been together for, um, I'll be candid with you, it's only been two months at the time of recording this, but we see each other almost every day because we live three miles from each other. Oh,  

[00:20:00] Jennifer Loehding: wow. Yeah. It's  

[00:20:01] Jonathan Aslay: like so easy. Like we, I need  

[00:20:02] Jennifer Loehding: it.  
 

[00:20:03] Jonathan Aslay: Oh my God, it's so perfect. 

She's gonna come over later tonight after I record my video. And, but we had one of those, you know, really important conversations about money and how money affects, you know, a relationship and how we view money and how we value money and where we see ourselves from a monetary sense in the future. Now, some people would think eight weeks is too early to have that conversation. 

I'm like, look, do you wanna wait to be a year in to find out you're misaligned? Yeah. Do you wanna wait six months to find out like what the, the minute two people are physically intimate? In my mind, everything is game on. Yeah. For conversation. Right, right. And it was an, I'll be candid with you, Jennifer. 

It was an uncomfortable conversation. I found myself struggling at times because. A, I care about this person. I don't wanna lose this person. I don't wanna create any conflict. But at the same time, this is my truth, she had to share her truth. We had a couple times where it got a little heated, but not, not over the top anything. 

Yeah. But we navigated this experience and while it's still exists, we have a slight disparity on how we value money. We're still gonna progress going forward. These, this is how grownups have a relationship, right? Right. Children have relationship like this. Wow, you're hot. Oh, you're hot. Let's just jump in bed and have sex, and we'll keep having sex until all of our shit comes into the surface. 

Right? Yeah. 'cause we're hyper-focused on the physical attraction, the chemistry, and not the genuine compatibility.  

[00:21:34] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I, yeah, I mean, it makes a difference. And, and I think to your point, I think it would really just depend on where you feel like you are in that relationship, right? 

Like, you know, when you need to have those conversations. So, and I think you, you should, because you, you go back and, you know, in hindsight, yeah, you don't wanna be a year down in that and all of a sudden you realize. You know, this is the way I do things and this is the way you do. Then you have that heated moment and it's like, oh my gosh. 

And now you can't even have the, the na the conversation. 'cause you don't have communication skills either. You know? Now it's just a hot mess. Right.  

[00:22:04] Jonathan Aslay: Exactly. Exactly.  

[00:22:05] Jennifer Loehding: You wanna have all that. I love it. I love it. So, so when you're working with these clients now, are they finding you now or they're coming to you because you've been in this place for a while and they know who you are and, and I mean, tell me how this is, how this is working out for you, because it sounds like you've been doing this a while. 

[00:22:19] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah, so I mean, I've been doing this for almost 15 years. Um, I, you know, I started very, I honestly, I started off just give me a Starbucks card and I'll help evaluate your dating profile. That's how I started. Then eventually I went to one of those dollar a minute type of, uh, services where I was giving advice. 

A lot of times it would be kind of like, um, woman would be dating a man, and she wanted some perspective about the man from a man's. Point of view. Sure. So I kind of always operated helping women understand men from the male point of view. Love it. Now I have a YouTube channel. As you shared earlier, I have over 200,000 followers and most of my. 

Clientele comes from watching one of my YouTube videos clicking on the link to schedule a discovery call with me. Awesome. And we talk about whether or not if they're in a relationship, I have one coaching program where they work exclusively with me and if they're single looking for love, I have another coaching program, um, that's all proprietary to help people to get really clear on who they are, what they want, how to. 

How to vet the other person. You know, the thing is, Jennifer, most humans don't have good skills at actually getting to know another human being. And I wanna share something for your audience. So I've jokingly for the last year said, dating is a process of interrogation. Okay. Yeah. Now it gets a lot of flack because everybody knows you're not supposed to interview anyone. 

It's supposed to be like just having coffee at the coffee shop. I say, bull crap. Yeah. Your job is to get to the truth of another human being. That's, that's why we, we date so we can get to the truth. But if you look up what it, the, I actually have got it listed here on my phone. I can't even just show it. 

Okay.  

[00:24:10] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. I see something there. Yeah, so  

[00:24:11] Jonathan Aslay: it's, it's interrogation skills include. Active listening, clear questioning, emotional intelligence, building rapport, reading, body language, patience and control. Pattern recognition, fact finding adaptive strategies, understanding human behavior will truthfully, when we're trying to get to know another human being. 

And if we do it kind of ambivalently, I. We can get attached to somebody who may not be right for us. Exactly. So being I, I call it interrogation, but if you listed that, that's would be all good skills. Every human should have. It's about being objective. But boy, the minute chemistry starts to sink its way in, all objectivity goes out the window. 

[00:25:05] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. You know what, I like that list. Almost one. But you know what's so good about that list? Because. We over, I'm sure where you are too. There's a lot of networking and so I go to a lot of networking events and we talk about, we do a lot of these one-on-ones where we sit down and actually get to know people. 

Right. And it's so interesting because all of these things you talk about are like things that are like very important even in that world, right? Getting to know people, asking good questions, reading body language, all of those things. And it's so funny because. I am like I, I love to just study people. I like to watch people's body language and Yeah. 

And it's so crazy because every now and then I'll get somebody that'll be like, can I talk on the phone? And Jonathan, I hate the phone. I absolutely hate the phone if I can't do video or see you face to face. Yeah, it makes me crazy because I need to be able to read your body language. I need to be able to see how you're responding to the way I'm talking to you. 

Because if the two don't align, if like what you're saying in the body language, you're not mashing up, I'm gonna pick up on it really quickly. So yeah, I love that you're talking about all this stuff because I think it's important and I think yes, it helps you. You know, we, I always say it's like I, I probably feel like, you know, so much of this that happened for me came from all the years that I was in Mary Kay when I was interviewing. 

But also doing podcasts, because I have talked to so many good people and I've asked so many questions that I feel like that's what I do is what you're talking about. I'm trying to filter, I'm trying to get to people and, and figure them out and who they are as individuals. Because I wanna know if I can, if I, if I wanna put 'em on the show or if I wanna work with them or, you know what I mean, if I want 'em in my company. 

So those are all great skills. They're all great. Well, you know  

[00:26:35] Jonathan Aslay: what's interesting? Well, you and I, I have a sales background as well. I used to do corporate insurance for 20 years before I landed in. And I mean, this was by accident. Yeah. I landed in what I'm in, but I've also for the last 15 years have done personal development, self-help, spiritual work and therapy, and why I'm bringing this up in particularly therapy. 

People who have done personal development, self-help, spiritual work therapy are very comfortable. With questions that are below the surface, you know? Mm-hmm. Most surface questions, especially in dating, is how's your day going today? Have a good day. Hate, I always hate that question.  

[00:27:13] Jennifer Loehding: I hate that  
 

[00:27:13] Jonathan Aslay: question. 
 

Yeah. I mean, so, so, so, but people who have done personal development, self-help, spiritual work and therapy are actually. You know, they're, they've built up a muscle, particularly if they've been consistent at doing it. I don't mean you did one workshop five years ago, kind of thing. I'm talking about consistent, where those, those types of people who enter into the dating process usually start to ask deeper questions. 

They ask questions about past relationships. What was, what was the cause of the ending? Your relationship? What could you improve upon yourself? All of these really good questions that can be asked early on. Um, people that have done the work are unafraid of these questions. It's those folks who haven't done the work and they're not used to it. 

It's very uncomfortable to ask vulnerable, authentic, transparent questions with someone who hasn't done some level of introspective work.  

[00:28:10] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah, that I, I could see that. And you're right. I never, I like that you talked about developing the muscle because I, I've never really thought of it that way, but it's so funny 'cause even when I, that question you said, how was your day? 

I hate that question. It's almost like I have a friend that talks about when we go network, she hates the question, what do you do? Which, that one doesn't bother me as much because I can get into more conversation. I can develop from that conver, you know, from that. Obviously that's what I wanna do. But she hates that question. 

I hate the, I hate the how was your day or whatever. That to me is like, do you know what I do?  

[00:28:39] Jonathan Aslay: When they, they ask that, what do you do? I pause, I think about it, and then I say something like, well, I can't decide. Do you wanna hear the truth or do you wanna just give, hear the prevailing narrative that I'm just, okay. 

Yeah. 'cause the truth is I'm kind of ha, I'm feeling a little bit moody. It's kind of gray outside or I had a bad phone call that's. Real. Yeah. But most people, when it comes to that question, they're just so, it's such a transaction to say, I'm okay. Instead of actually sharing what's really going on, and when you actually share what's going on internally, that's vulnerability. 

Vulnerability builds trust. Right,  

[00:29:19] Jennifer Loehding: right.  
 

[00:29:19] Jonathan Aslay: That's the funny part about all this, particularly in dating, most people are walking around with a facade, a mask on, because they're afraid of being seen. But the truth is. We get to be seen when we're vulnerable with someone. Yeah. At least that's what I encourage. 

No, I  

[00:29:34] Jennifer Loehding: agree with you. And that's exactly how I put it too. And I think too, I think because you're, you're kind of touching on something too about being okay with talking about that because. I think people sometimes have a hard time holding space for the emotions, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like they can't, because they don't know how to process that emotion. 

So when you share that real, real, and raw for you, it's real raw. We are. Okay. So like I could say to you, I could say to somebody, you know, I'm mad today. I'm angry today. It doesn't mean my world's falling apart. Doesn't mean I'm gonna pout for the rest of my life. Yeah. I'm mad, but I'm gonna process that emotion. 

Right. But I'm okay. With talking about that. Right. But the same goes if somebody says that to me. And a lot of times I do feel people's emotion and so I have to really work through that. But I'm okay saying, you know, that is their thing. They need to process that. And being able to hold that space right and not wanna fix the problem and not wanna. 

Like shove them and say, oh, it's gonna be okay. You know, like they don't wanna hear that. Obviously they're, they're working through it.  

[00:30:29] Jonathan Aslay: No, I, I wanna share a piggyback on a story with that. So I was on a double date this past weekend and during the date, um, with talking my girlfriend's friends. I was about to share that I'd lost a child, and I don't believe the two people that we were with knew this about me. 

Okay. So I said, look, I'm gonna share something very uncomfortable. It's not uncomfortable for me, but it's gonna be uncomfortable for you guys. Yeah. I, I mean, I led with, it's gonna be uncomfortable with you, and I just want you to know after I share it, I just want you to know I'm okay. So like I, I'm, and I could see in their eyes, they're like, what's he gonna tell me? 

Kind of thing, right? And then I said, I lost a child. Now, for many people, the minute they hear that it can be emotionally overwhelming. First off, if you have children, we internalize that. Internally, like, oh my God, I, I can't imagine, and all that kind of stuff. Then they feel this obligation to say something to comfort me, and I'm like, yep. 

By the way, it's been six and a half years since my son passed away, but in this, so I'm, I'm totally, I mean, I've, I've grown I substantially since that experience. Yeah. But I knew this would be uncomfortable for them. It was funny because I'm sharing an uncomfortable thing about me, and I had to manage their emotion. 

Yeah. To manage their  

[00:31:47] Jennifer Loehding: emotion.  
 

[00:31:48] Jonathan Aslay: Yes. But by doing it in advance, because I knew that would come up, it ended up being a very light conversation. I just shared what needed to be shared, and then we moved on.  

[00:31:57] Jennifer Loehding: Oh, good. Good. Well, and I, you made that space for them to do that 'cause Yeah, you're right. Exactly. I mean. 

Yeah, I had a, and most  

[00:32:03] Jonathan Aslay: people don't, most humans are not good at holding space for someone else's emotions because we're not good at even doing it for ourselves. So it makes it even doubly harder trying to do it for another person. So these are the kind of conversations that I think are important to have, particularly before you get in the dating marketplace. 

Because let me tell you something, dating is not for the faint of heart. Yeah. I mean, let me reframe that. Relationships aren't for the faint of heart, right? Right. Uh, dating is the Hunger Games first. You know, that's what dating is. Um,  

[00:32:38] Jennifer Loehding: yeah. I get, I would get scared every time I think I'm bailing out. I think about that and I go, oh, maybe I don't wanna go down that path. 

[00:32:45] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah. Tell  

[00:32:46] Jennifer Loehding: me, imagine you get back. I would be like this, Jonathan. I'd be like, we got the checklist. Like before I walk in, I'd be like, all the questions. If you pass, you pass one. We get to the next one. Okay, we're done. Nevermind Next. Yeah, because that would be me. I'd be like, we gotta go through all the 500 questions and I, they'd all be like, deep. 

Not that, not that. What, how was your day? We're gonna be past all that. So  

[00:33:04] Jonathan Aslay: I had a client who led with sex. She told me, she goes, this is what I did. She goes, look right up front. On a first date she'd say, Hey look, I. I'm, I just want you to know I'm totally into sex. I'm totally up for sex, and I'm attracted to you. 

You're attracted to me. But here's the thing. You have to pass my test, ah, before I have sex. So she did this with five guys. The first four guys failed all the questions. Oh my goodness. Now, when she said failed the questions, they were, they were hesitant. They were blocking, they were, she asked all the deep questions. 

Okay. And she got to her, her now boyfriend. He was the fifth guy. Yeah. First off, he was emotionally mature, did therapy under, and like she got into deep questions and they slept together. Not the first date or the second date, right. But pretty early on. And they've been attached to the hip for I think six to eight months now. 

Oh my gosh.  

[00:33:55] Jennifer Loehding: She got it figured out. See, she has those questions, but he said, look,  

[00:33:58] Jonathan Aslay: I'll give you sex, but you gotta pass my test first.  

[00:34:01] Jennifer Loehding: I love it. You gotta pass the test. That's so good. Well, and because it gets back to that, if you go sit down with somebody and you're depth over here, you've got these questions that are of depth. 

Right. And you're over here with surface level. It is just, it's not a bad thing, it's just these are two different types of thinking people. Right. Exactly. And they're, it's gonna be hard to have those conversations that you're trying to have. If we're over here doing the How was your day and you're over here, tell me something, what you learned today. 

You know? Exactly. You're really getting into something profound and they're still stuck on. What'd you do today? You know, so, yes, exactly. I can totally see it, but I love, I think that's a great story, so I'm glad they're still together. It's great. Yeah, it's great. I love it. So I, I love all this, Jonathan. I think it's great. 

I think it's important. I love that you, you know, you found your calling and it, I think it's so fun to see what you were doing before and, and now you're into something completely in another realm, but it was all really sparked by your personal journey. So I think that. You know, it, it's, it's neat when you're able to find that passion and that calling e even if it has to come from pain or some other source, but you, you know, you get into that space that you need to be in. 

So, sounds like I'm very  

[00:35:02] Jonathan Aslay: blessed. I, I, I am, I, I'm fascinated with philosophy, psychology, human behavior, spirituality. I mean, those are like, that's the vortex I live in, particularly human behavior. And, and, and my hope is just to offer just some perspective where you, you know, maybe you go. Oh, maybe I should be a little more intentional instead of reactionary when I do this thing called dating mating and relating and be a little bit more objective and be a little bit more curious. 

And, and my hope is, and I, I get a lot of accolades for it. I make a difference in people's lives, and that's what turns me on is every day I get another email, you made a difference in my life. And that's what brings me joy.  

[00:35:47] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. No, that's awesome. And that's what it's really about at the end of the day, right? 

Yeah. You can help somebody else. See, and perspective. Perspective. I like the word that you said. Curious. You know, be having curiosity, because I think sometimes we get so set in our patterns, a way of thinking that we're not open to others. And, and I, you know, and I, I think you have to have that mindset. 

You know, I always believe if something's not working, you've gotta fix it, right? And so if you realize you have a pattern of behavior, if you're doing something and it's not working, then you can at least look at that and say, how can I show up differently? You know, whether you're in a relationship now or you need Jonathan because you're in that dating scene. 

[00:36:22] Jonathan Aslay: Yeah. You know,  

[00:36:23] Jennifer Loehding: I do wanna ask you kind of, I've got a couple questions I wanna ask you, but I do wanna kind of ask you maybe for somebody navigating those dating apps right now, like what would be like maybe, and something you would like, maybe some advice you would give them for, for navigating those things We've talked about getting questions and all of that stuff, but anything. 

That they should be looking for or doing? 'cause I have no idea anything about those.  

[00:36:43] Jonathan Aslay: So roughly 97% of profiles I look at that are women. And men. So equally, both genders or those, or those two genders, I should say 97 profo profiles look like crap. Mm. The photographs are poor quality. The effort they put in writing their essay is poor. 

So the first thing I'd say is put together a stellar representation of yourself. Get some quality photographs taken, put together a stellar representation. Good. 'cause whether you like it or not, you're marketing yourself. Yeah. Okay. Put that in a box. If women tend to get swiped on substantially more than men, so if you're a woman and you're getting lots of hits, well then I would narrow it down geographically and only focus on those people that live a few miles from you because it's easier to navigate, even though, and I have, I have, I know women who have 500 or a thousand, uh, you know, messages in their inbox. 

Oh my goodness. You know, it's a lot 'cause men are more apt to swipe. Right. Right. Which means interested, uh, like at a rate of like five times the amount that women do. Wow. Um, so that would be the first thing I do. Just narrow down your search, narrow down based on similar interest because, you know, it's, it's easier to make it put a square peg with a square peg than a square peg in a round hole. 

So find those commonalities and just communicate in that. You know, conversational way we talked about earlier and see where your common ground is and then see if it makes sense to meet, to do the sniff test. Yeah. And the sniff test is simply, you know, like two dogs coming up to each other. They smell each other and like, do you like me? 

Do I like you? Do you like me? I like you. Like you go through that. Yeah. And then if you wanna explore something, then be radically honest with one another. That's my invitation for everybody. Yeah.  

[00:38:35] Jennifer Loehding: I love that you say, get the profile together. No catfish, no fake photos, but get the profile right. Because it is important. 

If you're putting a crappy photo on there, you're gonna be draw, you're gonna be drawing attention to those kind of Peets, which you're gonna get, can't expect differently. Right,  

[00:38:47] Jonathan Aslay: exactly.  
 

[00:38:48] Jennifer Loehding: Get it all together. Garbage and garbage out. Didn't think about.  

[00:38:52] Jonathan Aslay: What's that?  

[00:38:52] Jennifer Loehding: I said I didn't even think about that, honestly, that I didn't even think about it. 

See? 'cause I'm not in there, so I don't know. But that is a good point because it's like everything you do, your profile picture matters. Yeah. You know? That's good. Jonathan, this has been awesome. I got a couple fun questions I wanna ask you. Okay. These are gonna be a little bit, these are gonna be kind of thought, maybe a thought provoking. 

You might like it. I wanna know what's one belief that you feel like has shaped your success? 

[00:39:20] Jonathan Aslay: I don't know if it's a belief, but it's a mantra. Um, so I went through a period of time where I was struggling financially, and, and I just, I, I, I, I remember the, the quote from, um, Walt Disney said, just keep moving forward. And there was something about that that just literally, I mean, to this day, it still rings in my head. 

Just keep moving forward. In other words, it doesn't mean you can't be standing, you know, like it's, try not to go backward and try not to stand. Yeah. So at least make effort every day. And I feel like that's played a huge role in my successes. I just do my best to keep moving forward. And it's not move forward a hundred miles, you know? 

Right. It's just one step, but just each day take a step towards, you know, my, my passion and my purpose in life.  

[00:40:11] Jennifer Loehding: I love that. I love that. Best piece of advice you ever got anything, a ring come to you?  

[00:40:19] Jonathan Aslay: Just keep moving forward. Just keep moving forward.  

[00:40:21] Jennifer Loehding: It's great. No, I love it. I love it. Hey, if it works, uh,  

[00:40:24] Jonathan Aslay: it works. 
 

You know, it's funny, there's a joke. There's a, this movie I watch with my children and now I, I'm, I'm gonna get flack for sharing this, but it's funny because there's a scene where, uh, this one actor is handing a credit card to a woman. And he grabs it from her and then hands it to the man. And so the woman, he goes, never give your credit card to a woman. 

So I, I told that to my children at age six as a joke, you know? Yeah. And, and I always ask, and they always, if someone asks them, what's the best advice your father gave? Never give a woman a credit card. Now, that's not the advice I give to everyone else. Right, right. Yeah. You know, I, I think the advice I invite everybody, and I wanted to share that little humorous story, is that I. 

I believe. That our number one emotional health wound for most everybody is, I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. Sure. I think deep down we have a little five-year-old inside of us that feels a little less than, and when I wrote my book, what the Heck is Self-Love? Anyway, I. It's really an invitation to go, okay, I've got this little 6-year-old, five-year-old inside of me that's scared. 

What can I do to nurture that child? And I believe through personal development, self-help, spiritual work and therapy, those modalities actually brings us more joy and peace. So my advice to everyone is just invest a, you know, whether it's 15 minutes a day, 30 minutes a day, an hour day, to your self-improvement. 

And I promise you, a year from now, you are gonna feel a thousand times better, or I'll just say five times better.  

[00:42:02] Jennifer Loehding: I agree with you. I I would agree with you on that too. I know it's made a difference in my world, so,  

[00:42:07] Jonathan Aslay: yeah.  
 

[00:42:07] Jennifer Loehding: All right. Last fun, fun question I wanna ask you. This is just kind of a fun, what's the one thing you do every morning? 

[00:42:15] Jonathan Aslay: Well, I play this word game.  

[00:42:18] Jennifer Loehding: Ah, that's great. What's the name of it? Is it Wordle?  

[00:42:22] Jonathan Aslay: It's called Word Scape. Uh, words scape. I think that, well, I do the first quiz of every morning. It's like the thing I do. Yeah. I, I rarely ever miss, so that's one thing. Yeah. I mean, I typically journal, I actually, I usually journal about four or five to six times a week. 

Okay. I spend the first half hour of the morning just processing things, sipping my coffee, and I just kind of process what's coming up for me. And journaling. Journaling to me is like. Have you ever had an amazing dream, Jennifer, where you go, you wake up in the morning and go, I wanna remember this. So you write it down, right? 

Yeah. Well, and if you actually went back and read what you wrote down a month later, you could literally vividly remember the dream. Mm-hmm. And journaling is the same thing because we have these thoughts, these feelings sometimes that need some processing. And when we write it down, it's visceral. I, I mean, I use my thumbs when I do it. 

Yeah. Because I do it with my phone. But, um, but it's a self-reflective exercise, and I do that most every morning.  

[00:43:24] Jennifer Loehding: Love it. I love it. No, I, I think Journaling's great. I think it, I think, I think it is good to do it. And it allows you to self-reflect, right? Yeah. It allows you to. Go inward and process, so I love this. 

Jonathan, it's been great. You're awesome. I love what you're doing. If our audience, somebody listening today, may say, you know what? I need to call that Jonathan. I'm out there in that dating market right now and I need some help, or whatever. Maybe they wanna get your book, follow your YouTube. Where would you like us to send them? 

[00:43:49] Jonathan Aslay: Well, first off, you can send them, I mean, there's my name Jonathan Asley listed there so they can. Cut and paste that put in the Google. Yeah, if you wanna go to my website, you can hit the button to learn about coaching. I highly recommend everyone check out my YouTube channel so you can send them to my YouTube channel. 

I mean, I produce five videos a week on the channel. Absolutely. I mean, I do a live stream four times a week, so this is busy the way even to connect with me live. So, um. And, and then there's the books. I recommend all that kind of stuff. Listen. Awesome. Awesome. I guess you never run  

[00:44:20] Jennifer Loehding: out of things to talk about in the dating world. 

There's always a lot of stuff to talk about,  

[00:44:24] Jonathan Aslay: sadly. That is true.  

[00:44:25] Jennifer Loehding: Yeah. That's great, Jonathan. Yes, and and yes, you are not hard to find. I just wanted you to say it in case somebody's listening to this and not reading the notes or whatever. But yes, and we'll make sure too, when the show notes out, we'll get everything in there so they know how to find you as well. 

It's been great. I've enjoyed it. Thanks for all the conversation. It was a fun conversation. I know we could talk, probably talk about this forever. I know. Important topic. So thank you for all your wisdom. It's been awesome.  

[00:44:47] Jonathan Aslay: Thank you, Jennifer. It's been an honor. Absolutely.  

[00:44:49] Jennifer Loehding: Of course. To our audience, we appreciate you. 

We hope you found this episode both inspiring and informative. Go follow Jonathan. Check out his YouTube, all the good things. But on our end, you know what to do. So hit all the buttons, the like, subscribe, comment, share whatever you need to do so we can keep sharing all this fabulous content. And as I always say, in order to live the extraordinary, you must start and every start begins with a decision. 

You guys take care. I. Be safe. Be kind to one another and we will see you next time.