Starter Girlz Podcast

The Fairy God Doctor’s Message to Every Burned-Out Woman

• Jennifer Loehding • Season 7 • Episode 86

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If you're feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or silently drowning in expectations, this episode is for you.

In this empowering conversation, Dr. Denise Brown—known as The Fairy God Doctor—shares her powerful prescription for burnout recovery and emotional well-being. With over 30 years of experience in healthcare, she offers a refreshing take on what it means to be well and truly fulfilled.

Dr. Brown reveals how high-achieving women can stop chasing external success and start creating lives that feel good on the inside. She shares insights on how to overcome burnout, reconnect with what really matters, and redefine success on your own terms.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How to recognize and recover from emotional burnout
  • Why “having it all” can leave women feeling empty
  • How to separate true satisfaction from surface-level success
  • Practical strategies to manage stress in work, parenting, and daily life
  • Self-care methods that actually work for busy women
  • Creative, real-life tools to build community and ease daily pressure
  • Why effective stress management goes deeper than bubble baths and to-do lists

Whether you're an entrepreneur, professional, caregiver, or simply a woman carrying too much, Dr. Brown offers a heartfelt message of healing, strength, and hope.

If you've been wondering how to reclaim your energy, reset your priorities, and take care of yourself without guilt, this conversation is your permission slip.

Get the Book:
The Fairy God Doctor’s Guide to a Good Life: A Prescription for the Working Woman — available at major retailers.

Connect with Dr. Denise Brown:
Website: https://DeniseSBrownMD.com
More Resources: https://TheFairyGodDoctor.com

Subscribe to Starter Girlz for more empowering conversations on women's wellness, emotional resilience, and sustainable success.

Denise Brown MD:

And I think success is a very it's the accolades, it's the external measures in everybody looking, you know, in at you and it's really easy to get sucked in by those bright lights, right when. This is where you start thinking of all the things you should be doing and you know that you're supposed to be doing. All these words start popping up when you start thinking like versus satisfaction, which is, you know, in the quiet of the, you know dead of the night, like what actually, like makes your heart feel full. They may not be the same things and often they're not. And, speaking as someone who, by all accounts, has all those little boxes checked off, you know the med school to this, that whatever that doesn't keep you warm at night, right, that's not what, really, who you are, and it's scary to start to really kind of delve into that. And I think it's very easy to distract yourself with the things, the success measures, the accolades, and never really actually do the sort of more deep and difficult work of what actually matters to you.

Jennifer Loehding:

Welcome to the Starter Girlz podcast, your ultimate source of inspiration and empowerment. We're here to help women succeed in every area of their lives career, money, relationships, and health and well-being while celebrating the remarkable journeys of individuals from all walks of life who've achieved amazing things. Whether you're looking to supercharge your career, build financial independence, nurture meaningful relationships or enhance your overall well-being, the Starter Girlz Podcast is here to guide you. Join us as we explore the journeys of those who dare to dream big and achieve greatness. I'm your host, jennifer Loehding, and welcome to this episode. Welcome to another episode of the Starter Girlz podcast. I'm your host, jennifer Loehding, and wherever you are tuning in today, we are so glad to have you.

Jennifer Loehding:

Let's get this thing started All right. So I want to open up with this. Let's be honest Modern life doesn't come with an off switch. For high-achieving women, the pressure to succeed in all areas career, family, health and personal fulfillment can feel relentless. We're told to chase dreams, care for others, stay composed and somehow keep every plate spinning. But what if real success isn't about doing more. It's about choosing what matters most? What if the secret to a good life is learning how to prioritize you? Today, we're going to be diving into what it really means to thrive in a world that depends so much from women. So I am so excited about my guest today. This is going to be so much fun. But before I welcome her on officially, we do need to do a quick shout out to our sponsor.

Jennifer Loehding:

This episode is brought to you by Walt Mills Productions. Need to add excitement to your YouTube videos or some expert hands for editing? Look no further. Walt Mills is the solution you've been searching for. Walt is not only your go-to guy for spicing up content. He's the force behind a thriving film production company with numerous titles in the pipeline. Always on the lookout for raw talent, walt is eager to collaborate on film and internet productions. With a background deeply rooted in entertainment and promotion, walt Mills leverages years of skills to give you the spotlight you deserve. Want to learn more about Walt and his work? Head on over to waltmillsproductionsnet and let your content shine All right, and with that we do want to also make a mention to head on over to startergirlscom.

Jennifer Loehding:

I tell you this every single week because I want you to get over there. And why do I want you to go over there? For a couple reasons. One, if you have missed any of our episodes and there are so many go back and you can find anything you want, even the cheesy ones in the beginning, they're there. You can also sign up for our community newsletter and then that way you can keep in the know of who's coming out and all of our fabulous guests that are sharing content. But also, if you are maybe one of those high-achieving women or men and you want to know what sabotaging block may be hindering your success, I have a fun, cool quiz over there. It's like two minutes. You can take it and it will tell you what may be blocking your success right now. So again, startergirlz. com, go do your thing.

Jennifer Loehding:

I need to welcome my guests and I'm looking at my phone because I always do this to put my notes in here, so I don't lose my train of thought. But here we go. My guest, Dr Denise Brown, also known as the fairy God Doctor, is a physician, ceo and transformational leader with over 30 years in healthcare. In her book, the Fairy God Doctor's Guide to a Good Life a prescription for the working woman, she offers a practical and powerful framework to help women avoid burnout, reclaim their energy and create success that's both sustainable and deeply fulfilling, while her work speaks directly to working women, the insights she shares are relevant to anyone navigating big dreams and big responsibilities. So, Dr Denise Brown, I'm so excited to have you here today. I know this is going to be fun.

Jennifer Loehding:

Welcome to the Starter Girlz Show. I'm thrilled to be here. It's going to be great. Okay, and first of all, you know, what's so funny is whenever I bring guests on the show, I always have to do like a little background and I go look at them and I check out to see like where they've been on other shows, kind of their content, and I'm like I saw you I don't even know what episode I saw you in, but I'm like I like this girl's personality, I just like it spunky, I love it because that is how I roll and that's what I think a lot of our listeners I'm not saying everybody listens like that, but I think that they kind of like that authenticity and that raw and that real. You know what I mean. So I think we're going to be like speaking kind of some language together today and I'm excited about it.

Denise Brown MD:

We'll try and keep it, you know, safe for work.

Jennifer Loehding:

That's right. That's right. Good stuff, good stuff. Okay, so let's start this thing off, because you have been in healthcare for 30 years and I want to kind of start there. What brought you to that? Because I think this is so fun. I've had doctors on the show before and I'm always intrigued about you know why? Medicine. What brought you here today?

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah Well, I've had sort of lots of careers which I think you know. If you talk to any woman who's lived an interesting life, we probably have one career a decade maybe, if not more New Mexico top secret, but really interesting times to live in in the sort of end of the Cold War, and I've always just been really interested in how things work and there's nothing more fascinating than the human body. So when I was in college I thought I wanted to be a broadcast journalist. So that's weird.

Denise Brown MD:

I did the radio news on the college radio station every day and I found out that the, I did the radio news like on the on the you know college radio station every day, and and I found out that the stories I liked the most had to do with kind of health and healthcare related stuff and I I just felt like that was interesting and something was telling me something and my parents had made me do all the science classes regardless. So when it came time to sort of decide you know what I was going to do after graduation, medical school seemed like a perfect kind of combination and so off I went and I loved it. It was so fascinating to me, just like really kind of scrunching down and understanding all sorts of different things and then, more importantly, kind of putting it all back together and figuring out how that worked. And so you know, when you train to be a doctor, you learn kind of I mean, I fear a good one Maybe there's plenty of crappy ones out there, but the good ones really learn how to be a good listener.

Denise Brown MD:

Right, you got to really listen to what somebody is telling you and you have to ask kind of directed questions to kind of get at the thing that you know may be missing that maybe people are nervous to say or afraid to say, and then you have to find out the sort of objective information and kind of put it all together into a package that may not be perfect, but it's what you have at the time, and then you've got to make a plan, and then you've got to go implement that plan and then, most importantly, you have to be willing to change the plan when different information comes up, and so it's a really nice kind of rubric really for being a doctor, but also really kind of anything else that you want to do in life, and so that just kind of set me on my way and I'm very grateful for it.

Denise Brown MD:

I practiced medicine exclusively for about 15 years before I started getting more involved in businessy kind of aspects of healthcare, and some days I really really really miss taking care of people, and some days I really don't miss insurance companies or paperwork.

Jennifer Loehding:

So yeah, you said so many good things and, first of all, I've been to Los Alamos, so I know about that place. Yes, I know what you're talking about. Wanted to say that you said so many really good things here, because you mentioned, like you know, being a good doctor and what you just said and like it applicable in many areas, because asking good questions, right, I think that you know, like I know personally, I've had because I deal with chronic conditions, so I've had, I have doctors that I absolutely love and I will tell you the ones that I like investigate, they're solution oriented, they investigate. You know, and I talk about my GI doctor.

Jennifer Loehding:

I actually interviewed him on my other show at one point, but I talked about how he kind of in the way back this up to like 2017, 2000, maybe, no, it was actually before that because I started doing keto in 2017 to actually cure a disorder because I was dealing with a nerve condition and I was at Innswit and this is where I ended up, but he was the doctor that actually introduced me to small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, because he was developing a product and he had his research facility and so he sort of sent me on this journey of investigation, you know, and so I have my doctors that I absolutely love, that are that are good at asking questions, good at finding solutions, and then I have my doctors that I absolutely love, that are good at asking questions, good at finding solutions, and then I have the ones that no, no.

Jennifer Loehding:

So you hit the nail on the head when you said that, but I think that's so applicable in anything we do right, it's asking good questions and being a good listener so that you can figure out how to actually really help someone.

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah, and I think the most important probably part of that that we need to highlight is the curiosity, to actually be, to kind of be willing to have your mind expanded, and I think that's a big thing. So, like you know, sibo is a perfect example, right, and plenty of people who are like this is absolutely. This was a game changer for my life, completely changed my life. There are plenty of other doctors who kind of roll their eyes, right, because you're just not open to the universe and you know you get exactly what you give. I think curious people are interesting and I think they find other people interesting. So that's definitely one of the recipes for living a good life is to be curious and to be open, and you never know what you're going to find out because, lord knows, we don't all know it all you gave me chills when you just said that.

Jennifer Loehding:

See, I love those moments when somebody says something. I'm like yes, that's what I'm talking about Be curious. There is nothing wrong with being curious. I agree with you on this, and I think this is nothing. I don't know about you, but me personally, nothing drives me crazy more than narrow minded people that just aren't curious at all. They're just like no, that is the way it is, and are not curious, and so I think, whatever you're doing, you should always live with curiosity, learning about people and things, and you said something even early on being willing to change right, being willing, if you find out new information, to be able to say, okay, maybe we have something new now and we need to change our thinking.

Denise Brown MD:

You know we're going to turn a little bit in this direction. You know, words are powerful and I think a willingness and an openness to kind of change your mind is really the hallmark of kind of the highest intelligence, right. And it's easy for people to get stuck in thinking that they know what they know and get really rigid in that, and I think experts in things are particularly prone to that. So, like your average doctor, for example, is like I know a lot. I went to school for a long time, right, but that's kind of dull, but yeah, I mean. So I think the more you can, the more you approach the world is like today's my very first day and I'm just really excited to learn as much as I can.

Denise Brown MD:

I love it Proud of it for sure.

Jennifer Loehding:

I love it because so many of us, and especially if we're curious people, right, we welcome a lot of things into our world. And I don't know about you, but somebody says they have an idea. I'm excited. I'm like, tell me your idea. Like I get truly excited about ideas. So I think our lives are nonlinear and I think if we are curious people, we are always in in adventures. And you know, like I just, funny enough, launched a little I've been doing, I do pet sitting on the side and I and it's not for me, it's never been about money I love animals, I grew up around them, we've got a menagerie in my house and I just it's comforting for me because I always say animals don't judge you, they love you regardless, right, so for me it's a comforting thing.

Jennifer Loehding:

But I I started this little business with her kind of with the intent that you know, I want to let her kind of take it over and let her have it. She wants to go into vet tech. You know, be a vet, maybe a vet tech, and so I thought maybe this would be a cool thing. But here we are, I'm in my fifties and like I need another thing to add onto my plate of things, like I got this going on the podcast, I'm a, I'm an coach, and then I add this to you know, but this is what we do when we're curious. You know we want to explore, and so I would love to know, tell us a little bit. You know where you're at now, what you're doing?

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah, I love it. Well, I'm just cracking up because chapter three of my book is literally about nonlinear womanhood. So you know, there you go. I mean it's nonlinear, it's kind of a wandering journey.

Denise Brown MD:

So I did about like I said I started my own practice and then I rolled that into a larger practice. So that was pretty cool and I sort of did that kind of exclusively for about 15-ish years after finishing residency, had two little kids along the way, did my thing, worked hard, and then was kind of asked to start doing some business development kind of type stuff for this larger group. And I, you know, it was one of those things where I was like I wasn't good at it. I didn't go to business school, I'd never done anything like that, but I thought, well, sure, why not? You know, can't hurt to try. And it turned out I just happened to be really good at it. And so little by little I started doing more and more of that physician partnership and took it from about $600 million in top line revenue a year to about one and a half billion dollars in top line revenue and was kind of the primary driver of growth there. So it was like kind of drinking from a fire hose, but not being afraid to sort of not know everything.

Denise Brown MD:

And I think that's one of the challenges that particularly some of the younger women I kind of work with and mentor is you think you're supposed to have it all figured out before you start and that's just doesn't work. I never. It never happens Right. Enough research, I mean. Sometimes you just have to take action and so and so I did. And that's always been kind of a mantra for me, like yes, I'm going to give that a rip If it sounds interesting to me.

Denise Brown MD:

That doesn't mean I make major decisions. I think I am. You know, I kind of find out about something. I usually let it sit with me. I like to let stuff marinate kind of in the back for at least a weekend, like I want to at least sleep on it one night, preferably two, and then somehow the answer just sort of comes to you and you know what is right, and I think you get better and better at that the more you give yourself the opportunity to do those things. But then I got recruited by a firm to run a telehealth company and that was really fun and I took that over as a CEO, turned it around and then we ended up selling that in the fall of 23. And I thought to myself my goodness, I've been going pretty much non-stop for about 24 years now.

Denise Brown MD:

I never had taken a break ever. What would it look like if I did quote-unquote nothing for a year? And so I made it three months and uh, and then I thought I actually got interviewed by uh, by a magazine doing an article on exit entrepreneurs and asking me what my legacy was. And I was like, well, my work and my legacy don't really have anything to do with each other. And she said, well, what is your legacy? And I said, well, the legacy are all the people I've made feel better along the way, whether they were patients or family or friends or whoever. And we got to talking anyway. One thing led to another and she was trying to figure out if she's gonna have kids. What she was gonna do was worried about her career and all this stuff. And we just got gabbing and and she said to me I wish you would just write all this down, like you've figured out how to have a good life. And I, I wish you would write it down. And I thought, well, that's really not something I ever thought about.

Denise Brown MD:

I slept on it over the weekend you know, I think I'm, I'm going to write a book, I'm going to take her advice, so that's what I did. So I worked on that for the next six months or so and then it was really fun to do all the stuff with the publisher and the editors and all these things. And then it was like, well, when do you want it? When should we release it? And I guess there's some magic in when you're supposed to release books. I don't know, but I wanted to do it as a tribute to my mom, so I put it out on what should have been her 83rd birthday. But I lost her when I was in med school, so she's been kind of like my guardian angel all these years. So I gave it to her as a birthday present. I love it.

Jennifer Loehding:

I love it. Yeah, that's so awesome. Everything I'm listening to is cracking up. You're like let me sleep on at least a day or two. And I'm like I get it because I'm a quick decision maker and so a lot of times I will. I've gotten better, you know, as I've gotten older, with the pause to just taking it down and being okay, you know, because I don't need a lot of information. You know, because I feel you mentioned this kind of trusting your intuition you didn't necessarily say that word.

Jennifer Loehding:

As we get more comfortable in our skin, we know, right, like we know our priorities, we know our boundaries, we start recognizing those things, what we're going to do, what we're not going to do, and it's actually such a great feeling. I mean, my husband asked me the other day he's like how do you know? And I'm like you just know. You just know when you get to me, you just know when you get to a place where you're okay with yourself, that if you make a decision and it goes bad, you're okay. If it messes up, it messes up, it's not the end of the world, right, like you're okay with that. You know, and you mentioned working with younger people and I think, as we're trying to find ourselves. There's this whole idea that we can't make a mistake, we can't be wrong, we can't be perfect, you know, like we have to do all these things right or we're just a bad human if it doesn't go right. Right, and I've learned that no, we're still. We're still good people. We make mistakes because we're complex, and that's OK in the process, right? So I love that. You kind of talked about that.

Jennifer Loehding:

I read a book and I've talked about this several times on the show Jamie Kern Lima, the founder of it Cosmetics. She put a book out called Worthy. I'd actually seen her in like a live event and then I ended up purchasing her book, one of my favorite books, because she talks about you know herself and this journey she went through. She ended up selling her cosmetic company, I think, to Revlon, became, like you know, rich CEO, whatever, but the first chapter I want to say it's the first chapter.

Jennifer Loehding:

She talks about the difference between worth and confidence and how we tend to interlace those together, and this is why you'll see people that have a lot of skill but they're not necessarily comfortable in their own skin. Right, they'll keep getting accolades but they still don't think they're worthy, and then you could see somebody who maybe doesn't have a lot of accolades but they seem to appear, you know, confident, grounded, all those things. And so she talked a lot about this. You know that, how we have to work on both, because confidence is really tied to our achievements and the things that we do. And if you're a high achieving person, you know understanding that that's what that is, but you're still lovable, you're still likable, All of these things about you are still grounded, whether or not this happens. So you kind of said that and I love it because it is so true with women, they fight this all the time.

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah Well, for me it's the difference between success and satisfaction and I think, yeah, this is a very. It's the accolades, it's the external measures, everybody looking, you know, in at you, and it's really easy to get sucked in by those bright lights right where. This is where you start thinking of all the things you should be doing and you know like you're supposed to be doing. All these words start popping up when you start thinking like that versus satisfaction, which is, you know, in the quiet of the, you know dead of the night, like what actually like makes your heart feel full. They may not be the same things and often they're not.

Denise Brown MD:

And, speaking as someone who, by all accounts, has all those little boxes checked off, you know the med school to this, that whatever that doesn't keep you warm at night, right, that's not what really who you are, and it's scary to start to really kind of delve into that.

Denise Brown MD:

And I think it's very easy to distract yourself with the things, the success measures, the accolades, and never really actually do the sort of more deep and difficult work of what actually matters to you.

Denise Brown MD:

And in the end, that's kind of what actually matters Like the end. My legacy isn't like oh, this work that I, what actually matters, like the end, like legacy, isn't like, oh, this work that I did or this money that I made, right, it's the people I made feel better. Those are very different things, and so you know, if I could tell my sort of 25 year old self anything, it would be like really sink into that as soon as you can. And then you start, then it starts informing your decision-making process in a much more. I hate sometimes the word authentic makes me want to kind of roll my eyes but, like, you really get to figure out who you are and you really get to kind of keep picking you and and that is not a selfish decision, that's just the way you should be picking the things that matter to you. And then all of a sudden, you could be really successful and really satisfied, and wouldn't it be nice to have both.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yes, and the word meaningful was coming up when you were talking about that. Right and no. This is so true. I love that you said the satisfaction versus success, because that is so true. You know, my priorities today are very much different than they were, you know, before.

Jennifer Loehding:

I was 22 years in Mary Kay, crunch crunching numbers and leadership and trying to win cars and all that stuff and grinding, and I told somebody the other day that it's interesting because there are parts of it. Mary Kay is a wonderful company, don't get me wrong. I had a great run there. I learned a lot of leadership skills. There are things I miss and things I don't. What I tell you that I miss. I miss the camaraderie. I miss the team. I miss the having somebody to be accountable to and having somebody be accountable to me, just that support. I miss that because I had mentors for free, forever, you know, while I was there. But I don't miss the grinding. I don't miss the punching, the numbers. I don't miss the worrying about quotas and am I going to keep my car this month or whatever, and I realized that that's all you.

Jennifer Loehding:

When you're doing the work, you know it happens, but I'm in a very I'm in a very different place today. I'm like man, if I knew then what I knew today, I would have rocked that thing like so easily, right, because I would have. My processes are so different now and my priorities are different, you know. And so all those things you're talking about satisfaction, it's like you know, my satisfaction is getting up. I get up early every day. I'm up at 4 35 AM every single day. I have my morning routine. I love, I, I'm pretty particular about it, I, I, because I, I, it's mine, right, I guard it. And I love being able to do what I want to do. I love doing these podcasts. I love having conversations with you guys that are on here. That fills my cup every, you know, every time I do that, and so that is satisfaction to me. And all the other stuff, yes, I get to make money on all these other thing, right, and I'm doing what I love doing. It's not these grinding, these numbers, and you know.

Denise Brown MD:

And so that's what I'm hearing when I hear you say this oh my god versus satisfaction yeah, I mean, and you got to do both right, you got to make the mortgage, you got to you know I'm going to keep the lights on so like it's not, like we're all just pie in the sky around the unicorns. I mean you have shit you got to do right, but I still think you can find that like the joy along the way of doing those things.

Denise Brown MD:

And the more you keep choosing yourself, the easier it gets to pick yourself the easier it gets to say to your boss you know that 830 meeting is really difficult for me because of blank. Would it be possible to move it for half an hour, like what would that look like, you know? And then of course your boss was gonna be like, oh sure, no problem, I, you know like. But you start to kind of show up even more, more and more for yourself. And so that's why I wrote the book for my fairy goddaughters to say like, hey, let's jump forward, jump forward with me, so that, like here I am in a place where I'm really thrilled to be. I would like for you to be here and not have to wait 30 years to arrive. Like what, if you show up, like this next week? And here are my, you know, seven prescriptions for making that happen.

Jennifer Loehding:

That's so awesome and that's how I feel too about the work that I do. I feel like it's the same message. We're doing a little bit, but it's the same thing. It's like if I can help shave off some of the pain and the heartache and the things and maybe you know, and even for my kids I tell them I see them do things I'm like please don't do that, don't you? Just? No, we don't do all that, I'm just going to save you. I've been there, done it, let's just not do it, you know. And so, yes, I feel like we have, you know, something we can share and hopefully, yes, maybe help, you know, somebody younger come up and just shave off some of their time, and but I love that. You said if you could tell your't got to do it all, you don't have to wear all the hats, just slow down and enjoy life a little bit, you know. But here's the thing we wouldn't be where we are today had we not gone through and done all those things.

Denise Brown MD:

You know what I mean. It's like we had to do it one. I think that's true. It might have just been a little bit easier. You know I used to always, and there's a lot of people who have this problem. You know yes is always my answer. I learned over time to sort of say yes and and kind of pause. It's good, because you know the best person to give something else to do is a busy woman who's already doing seven other things, right?

Denise Brown MD:

Right right, but that's a lot of pressure for us and I think, as high achieving women in particular, we tend to take on things without even realizing. So there's a lot of unintentionality where you're just like oh yeah, all now, all of a sudden I'm the team coach and the room mom and I'm running a practice and also all, and you don't even realize it. So you've got to learn how to sort of be a little bit more specific with yourself about that. So you've got to learn how to sort of be a little bit more specific with yourself about that.

Jennifer Loehding:

And what I like to say to people is you know you can have it all, but you can't do it all.

Denise Brown MD:

That's right, so figure out what things you don't like to do.

Denise Brown MD:

Probably is the easiest thing to do first what things you really don't like to do, what things are you okay with doing, and then what do you love to do, and then try to work from that.

Denise Brown MD:

Like, yeah, for me, I know I talk about in the book like I thought I would be one of those moms, you know, we would be finger painting at home and we would be breaking bread, and I was like what I mean, I was killing myself to try to like race out of the hospital and get out the finger paints and I was like you know what this is, what preschool is for? Like we're, this is not what I'm going to be doing it, I'm going to be sitting in the backyard on the slip and slide, you know. And so, like you just kind of learn how to make these choices and if you can figure out the stuff that matters and be really specific about it, then you can start to, you know, kind of just get more and more clear on that and then more and more savage in protecting those things. And that's what I actually think it takes is some savagery. Really. That's a great way to put it.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yes, great way, you know, it's so funny. I was thinking about one of my guests that came on the show a while back. She is a, she did a, set a world record, she climbed the seven second summits and she's a mom of like I think I don't know I'm going to mess this up. I mean I just know she has multiple kids and she was telling this story about how she went up there to I don't know if it was like a they have a school party or whatever she realized she wasn't those moms that were doing that. She loved her kids and outdoorsy, but those were not.

Jennifer Loehding:

She wasn't that kind of and I and I laugh because I always felt like I was kind of that mom too. I was the mom that, like, I was homeroom mom, I was the field trip mom, you know the PT, all those moms that wore all those hats, but I was not the mom that was like oh my God, we're going to have all the little goodie bags and have a fancy cake. Like you know, I think we did one birthday party at our house. A few other places. You, let's go to the hobby store and pick out some hot, you know, gifts.

Jennifer Loehding:

We've always going to have been that sort of the the, not cliche, you know, but I was with, I was grateful and fortunate enough that I was able to work from home, so I got to be with my kids most of the time. And now they're all grown, they're all you know, big adults now and um doing their things, and so they can never complain that I wasn't there, because I was, but we were never that. You know that. The nail, yeah, I tell you, my kids got good at doing that stuff, the nail polish things with each other and all that, even the, even the boy, they all did. He was the youngest. They paint him up and do him too, you know.

Denise Brown MD:

I love you, I love it, I'm impressed we, we.

Jennifer Loehding:

It's really easy to be harder on yourself, oh yeah yeah, and that's what I think is good about what you're bringing to the. You know, the table here is that it's. You know, think, don't we we shouldn't beat ourselves up about all of these things? I think when we're young we tend to do that because it's kind of like you know I.

Jennifer Loehding:

I tell this story like remember when you had your first kid and I don't know about you but me it was like they gotta be walking, no diaper, right? That's how you gotta have all that done. Big kid was walking. At nine months she was off diaper, off the bottle, all the things. By the time we got to baby number three, that diaper stayed on until he was ready to settle down and get that diaper off. That kid would literally run around with a dirty, messy diaper because I'd have to pin him down and be like you know what. You've had that thing on way too long. It needs to go. You know, like cause I just was like he'd follow, he would play, and seriously, like he would get tired. He would just fall over on the couch and I'm like don't mess with sleeping baby, just leave him there, just leave him there.

Jennifer Loehding:

He'll wake up, he'll be fine, you know. So it's so funny how we get all these stereotypes and stigmas about how we Show up and really everybody's just doing the best they can. Just give yourself some grace, you know?

Denise Brown MD:

Well, give yourself some grace, and then give everybody else some grace too, Exactly, you know, mommies are horrible to one another. Yeah, really. I mean, women in general are not nice to one another, sadly. Yeah, constantly judging one another, we're constantly comparing, and I don't know why, because literally we're all struggling with the same shit and me too.

Jennifer Loehding:

We need to figure that. Maybe we need to solve that, because I say that every day. I'm like I don't know why, why we do this to each other Because, like, if you're, if you're successful, I'm happy for you. Rock on, girl, do your thing.

Denise Brown MD:

Right. You know, like I'm, I'm excited for any woman that's out kicking ass comparison and that kind of leads to a little bit of judgment and a lot of guilt. And then we just, you know, kind of go right around the horn again and you know who cares if. If that other lady's birthday party had a you know coordinated balloon, arch and party and mine was mud puddles and whatever, did the kids have fun? Like did you have?

Jennifer Loehding:

fun. Yes, who had fun?

Denise Brown MD:

Yep, yeah, and I think all the social media crap you know, makes that so much more difficult. I mean, you know, being a mom is hard enough. Going to work every day and coming home every day that's hard enough, like we don't need to make it so difficult for ourselves by adding that extra layer of comparison in there. And whatever you're doing right now is probably exactly what you should be doing and none of the rest of it. You know that that's all coming from some weird, you know mythical land, uh of should be's and yeah, I just, I just, I don't have any time for that anymore and and but it is interesting to watch of all ages.

Denise Brown MD:

You know whether it's on the playground or you know mommy's um. You know on the sidelines at sports. You know whether it's on the playground or you know mommy's um. You know on the sidelines at sports. Or you know even sitting around, grown and flown, like somehow it just rears its ugly head and you have to be brave enough to be like. You know I'm not going to, I'm not going to participate in this, yeah no, I love it and I love you know, I'll tell you, most of the people that I bring into my circle are like that.

Jennifer Loehding:

I always say we don't have time for the drama stuff. I'm with you on that, denise, because I'm like you. I'm just like do your thing, be happy. And if one of us is a reminder that you're not doing what you want to do, then you need to work on that. That's your thing. You need to figure your identity out, what you need to be doing. We're here to inspire. We just want to inspire, make it. We just try to like, encourage you to do things right. We just want you to go out, do awesome things. So you said your book, your your book. You got seven prescriptions in there I don't want you to tell us everything.

Jennifer Loehding:

But so what are these people they're going to find learn about? We talked a little bit about the non-linear what. What's the big? What message?

Denise Brown MD:

well, we start with that sort of success versus satisfaction concept, which I think is kind of foundational, yeah, and then once you kind of get on that, you can really recognize that the whole work-life balance concept is bullshit Right. There's no balance.

Jennifer Loehding:

No, you just got to find harmony.

Denise Brown MD:

No, you're never going to find it Okay. We talk a lot about deciding what plates you want to spin and which ones you got to keep spinning, and which ones you can let crash and burn sometimes, because that happens, it's going to happen. So you might as well be intentional about which ones that fall down, instead of what most people do, which is they're like well, I can count on my husband, I can count on my kids, so I'm going to make that the last priority, or my priority, to treat as the treasures that they really are yeah and then we kind of talk about how do you make choices, how do you make decisions like what does that, what does that look like for you and how can you sort of do it most effectively for you?

Denise Brown MD:

and then we spend a lot of time talking about comparison, guilt and judgment and and um, and then we sort of end up talking about how to figure out how to not do the stuff you don't like. And that doesn't mean you throw money at a problem, but it does mean that sometimes you pool resources. So I'm not a whole section in kind of imagining outsourcing, which doesn't mean you know, you're paying out the nose for DoorDash or grocery deliveries or whatever, but it might mean starting a supper co-op in your neighborhood, which I did for 10 years when my kids were little. I cooked dinner once a week and Steph did it on Tuesdays and Jenny did it on Wednesdays and we all took turns. So you know, there's ways to kind of make the drudgery, I think, a little bit lighter if you're a creative. So I offer up some solutions there.

Denise Brown MD:

And then really the kind of the take home message is you have to choose you first, regardless of what you think. It's not a selfish thing you pick you, you learn to trust yourself, you learn to know what really matters to you, and then you're able to do that for everybody else around you. And that's ultimately what I think we all want to be part of is a community who loves one another and and does good things for one another and lives these long, satisfied, happy lives and that's my definition of a good life is sort of sitting on the porch, you know, kind of looking back as the sun goes down and like that you know today was a good day.

Denise Brown MD:

But this was a good life. I love it we're all looking for. Nobody sort of wants the like CV on their tombstone right.

Jennifer Loehding:

No, I love it, denise, and I think it's so great that you're bringing all this to light, because you know, I tell people we've had a lot of stuff going on my son's car got stolen last week, we recovered it and we've just had a lot of little crazy things. And it's funny because I look at all these things and I'm like, yeah, they suck, things happen right, but overall, probably like you do, I get up every day and I'm like my life's pretty good for the most part. I get to do what I want to do and I, like I mentioned early in, you know in the early in the episode, I love what the work I get to do and the things that I get to do. So even when bad things happen yeah, they suck in the moment, but I also feel like overall, my life feels fulfilled.

Jennifer Loehding:

You know what I mean and that's what I think is what we want, right. And it's great because once you feel that way, there's really no looking back. You know what I'm saying. Like now, you know, because you're on that, I feel like it's like you jump over that little bridge. You know what I mean Because you create that and so it really comes back to all these things you're saying putting you first, identifying what's important to you and giving yourself grace. There's so many about it.

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah, yeah about it like everyone can be like oh, I want a big house and right right bars, or you know that like that's, that's a little sad right?

Denise Brown MD:

no, I mean sure that sounds great, but that's not you know like, and so it's not you know and you have to constantly be kind of re having another conversation, you know, constantly reiterating to yourself what matters, because it does change and it should. It's like you know, what I wanted at 25 is not what I want at 53. Why would it be, you know? No, I agree, but there are, through, lines that you know that really matter, and those are the things that I think are the real. That's the real deal.

Denise Brown MD:

So that's what a good life is. It's not the good life, it's a good life. You're the only one who can figure out what that means for you, but wouldn't it be nice if we all could have one?

Jennifer Loehding:

I know it's good stuff. It's good stuff. I do want to ask you day somebody told me you need to write a book, so I go in the car you're going to allow. This is 2019, when I launched mine, when I put mine out, so I get in the car and open up Facebook and I just said something like I'm going to write a book because I wanted people to hold me accountable to it. And then I got I think that was in maybe May and then I spit it out in like October of that year, and then two weeks later, we launched this podcast and so yeah, and so I love it. So I would love to know, just maybe for somebody listening, like what do you feel? Like what was the hardest part of writing that book for you? Like what was the I guess, maybe just the toughest thing you had to do in that?

Denise Brown MD:

Well, you know, like everything you have, you have a conception of what it's supposed to look like. And so in my mind I was like, oh well, if you're going to write a book, you're supposed to block out time on your calendar and you're supposed to sit at your laptop and you're supposed to write 2000 words a day. Well, I tried that for like three days and I was like, okay, this is not going to go anywhere, like there is nothing about me that does that. So, okay, this is not going to go anywhere, like there is nothing about me that does that. So then I was like, all right, I'm just gonna take, just gonna not think about it, just gonna let it set first. You know, because, like I said, like that's how I do my best thinking, I'm a big power, power of the subconscious mind, believer, um, and I was like, what do I really like to do? And this is funny, I like to talk. I mean, I'm a talker, you can tell, tell.

Denise Brown MD:

And I got through med school and residency and everything with my index card. You should see the stat. I got index card. Like, I write it down on an index card. I put my thoughts down and it makes sense. So I thought you know what? I'm just going to get my stack index cards and my trusty Pentel pencil and I'm going to write down the things that I think matter the most, and then I'm just going to do a little bullet outline of the things that I would sort of want to say, okay, great.

Denise Brown MD:

And then I took my stack index cards and I put my headphones on and I went out walking, because I'm a walk-in talker, I think when I'm moving and I talked the whole book. I did it on Otter and I just talked the whole book. And you know, as a doctor you learn how to do transcription. Right, we've been doing transcript, you know. So you say period, paragraph next, whatever, and it made it really easy. So then when Otter kind of dumped it into Word, it was all at least sort of there, and then I could read much around it. And so people who know me read the book and they're like, oh my God, it's like you're talking to me. And I'm like, well, it's because of one One. Yeah, I was talking to you. And then I read the audio book. So that was actually really fun. I hear if you listen to it at time and a half, you can get it done in three hours Okay.

Jennifer Loehding:

I'm going to check your book out. I like the title, I like the star, it's very good. You know it's great. Because you kind of mentioned, you know, the sitting down and writing, and you saw me laughing on that because I kind of think I sort of had that same kind of mindset. Then I realized no, you can't write when you just can't write to write Like I can't just sit down and write, so I would have to wait for it to like sort of come about and it would just sort of like and here's the funny thing I I get used to we were walking our dogs every single morning. One of my dogs has gotten old now, so my husband's just taken the other one running, but we would walk every morning and I would say that all of my ideas would come while we were walking the dogs and then I wouldn't have anything with me, I wouldn't have my phone, I'd be like.

Jennifer Loehding:

So I tell my husband I'd be like do not forget this idea. Help me remember this idea when we get in the door, because I'm going to forget this and I need you to help me remember this. You know, because when I'm moving, that's when things will come up. So to your point on the book. Yes, I'm glad you shared that, because somebody writing may think again they got to sit down and block these types. Now, sometimes you just when the ideas flow, that's when you pull the paper or the pen or do the audio, whatever it is have it ready so that when the ideas come out you can start. You know, if you're going to walk your dog, bring your phone so that you can try to get the idea in there before you get up.

Denise Brown MD:

That's the truth. Yeah, I mean I do have. I do have girlfriends. I mean one of my friends is a really successful novelist and she does sit down and write. That is her process. She's a writer, like that was her profession. You know it's different than me, like that's not my profession. Yeah, anyway, it is really. It is really funny that different, different ways that people pull it off.

Denise Brown MD:

But yeah, for me it was a lot, it was, it was actually really fun to do. And then I had these my fairy goddaughters who kind of read through it and they were like my hype squad and, you know, kind of helped me figure some things out about where to put what and whatnot. So that was, it was just, it was really it was a fun project to um, to kind of go down and I, you know, I, I the whole time I try to be entertained. I most of life is highly entertaining, and so I just was entertained by the whole process and learning about it and you know, meeting editors and talk, you know all this stuff. It's just not something I knew anything about. So really cool.

Jennifer Loehding:

Well, good, I'm glad it was a good experience, because you get to share your gifts and your knowledge with the world you know put it out there. Whatever way that works for you. That's right. I have two questions left I want to ask you. This one is success tips. So what is your one thing in the morning that you do, when you get up and like set your day, like that one thing that's important to you?

Denise Brown MD:

Well, I don't get up at four, 30 in the morning.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, Don't do that If it doesn't work. I mean I train myself, I wake up now. I mean, Lauren, does I come up before the alarm? Now I'm like what's up with that.

Denise Brown MD:

Well, I appreciate that, but that is not me. I I think because I spent you know about 15 years getting up all night long every night, or at least every third night, but no just no, like no, we did it, we're done.

Denise Brown MD:

Yeah, don't not again. Never again. Um, it's actually kind of cheesy, but I love it. Um, every day, my husband comes in and leaves my yeti of coffee on my own oh nice. And I get a kiss and he tells me he loves me before he goes off to work and I sit and I just enjoy my coffee and I think about how lucky I am. That is so awesome and that's how I start every day that is so great, my dog.

Denise Brown MD:

But I think that moment of just being like, hey, you know, we're at it again on the right side of the grass, a little bit of gratitude, goes a long way, especially first thing in the morning.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, thanks for sharing that. I haven't had anybody say that before, so I love it. That's great. No, I think it's. I think it's. How long have you guys now been married? We had our 20th wedding anniversary this week. You know I agree right about where we are, so we had 29 in April, so, yeah, so it's a long time it's in space with the same person.

Denise Brown MD:

I know, it seems like two days ago, but also really long time.

Jennifer Loehding:

My kids laugh. Yesterday we went to go up to where my son's a chef and we went to go eat in his restaurant. It was so nice. They comped our meal. They love my son there there. They always have good things to say about him, but he comes home and I got to meet, like the hostess general, the manager that she came on, though. We love sean blah blah. So she goes back to my son and says your mom is so nice, and I said well, I don't know that your husband was. I don't know my husband would say that every day.

Denise Brown MD:

So I love it. I love it sweet.

Jennifer Loehding:

I like I know I'm nice, but I don't know if your dad's going to go, as agree with that one. Congratulations on your 28 years. That is so awesome and I love that you shared that about the coffee, because it's really about the gratitude, right.

Denise Brown MD:

It's about finding the little things. It's the little things you know. In fact, I just finished Annabelle Monabelle Monahan's um, newest books, just it just came out maybe a week or so ago and she writes she writes a great book, uh, nora goes off script and and this new one is called uh, not a love story, um, and one of the, what is sort of one of the. There's a couple in there that have been married a long time and said love is for breakfast, love happens at breakfast, and basically the idea that romance happens at dinner time. They're dressed up, you have your makeup on, you're sort of presenting yourself out into the world, but love happens over breakfast. Nobody's got their makeup on.

Denise Brown MD:

You're talking about your day, you're kind of having your cup of coffee, you're kind of and and and it's those little things that the breakfast conversations, that that's where, like, kind of the real, true love is, and it keeps showing up. And I just thought I, I just I don't know it really resonated with me because, because I think that's true about anything, it's the, it's those little things that we do for one another, um, that end up, you know, being the building blocks of of a good life. So I that, just it. The whole thing just made my heart sing. I thought it was really cool.

Jennifer Loehding:

Thank you for sharing that. So, denise, if our listeners want to pick up the book or get in touch with you, where would you like us to send them?

Denise Brown MD:

Oh well, you can find the book at, like the usual suspects. You know Amazon, barnes, noble. What have you the Audible's on? You know Google, apple, spotify, whatever. The Audible is fun. I read it myself. So that was a hoot and a half. And then I have a website. It's Denise S Brown MD or the Fairy God Doctor. I'll get you there too.

Jennifer Loehding:

We'll make sure when we get the show notes, when my guy does all, puts all the bells and whistles on there, we'll get the website in there so everybody knows where to find the book, find you all the good stuff. But yes, I'm gonna check it out myself because I took, like I said, I love the, the title and I love the little star and I saw you kind of moving with yeah, it's a big old magic wand on the cover there I love it because, having my you know background, Mary Kay, we were all about these stars and all that stuff.

Jennifer Loehding:

And that's another thing I missed too is all that little glitzy fun yes, All that fun stuff that we got to do in there. So I want to tell you congratulations, you know, on the book coming out, all your success and you're happy, things that you're getting to do and the things that you're sharing and putting out into the world.

Jennifer Loehding:

So congratulations putting out into the world. So congratulations, thank you, right back at you. Thank you so much and, of course, to our listeners we appreciate you. We hope that you find this episode both inspiring and informative, and if you do, you know what to do. Do all the things. First of all, go find Denise, get her book, but also subscribe, like share comment, so that we can keep sharing all these fabulous stories and all this content with you. And, as I always say, in order to live the extraordinary, you have to start, and every start begins with a decision. You guys, take care, be safe, be kind to one another and we will see you next time. Thank you.

People on this episode

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Jennifer Loehding

Host
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Denise Brown MD

Guest