Starter Girlz Podcast

Why Your ‘Overthinking’ Is Your Secret Leadership Superpower (with Emily Erstad, Healthcare Executive & Author)

• Jennifer Loehding • Season 7 • Episode 97

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Do you ever feel like your overthinking, intensity, or constant reflection makes you misunderstood in leadership? In this powerful conversation with Emily Erstad, healthcare executive and author of It’s Not That Deep, we uncover how the very traits often labeled as “weaknesses” are actually your greatest leadership strengths.

In this episode, Emily opens up about navigating life as a deep thinker, old soul, and purpose-driven leader. From embracing emotional intelligence in high-stakes environments to finding strength in vulnerability, this discussion will inspire you to turn self-doubt into a superpower.

What you’ll learn:
✅ How to transform overthinking into clarity and focus as a leader
✅ The role of emotional intelligence in leadership and team building
✅ Why being a deep thinker can feel isolating, and how to embrace it
✅ How to balance vulnerability with boundaries without losing authority
✅ The cycles of personal growth, grief, & resilience every leader experiences
✅ Practical ways to lead authentically while staying effective in fast-paced environments

Whether you’re an emerging leader, entrepreneur, or experienced executive, this episode will give you tools to embrace your complexity, trust your instincts, and lead with impact.

Connect with Emily Erstad:
🌐 Website: https://www.eepublications.com

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Emily Erstad:

You know, it's not a, I don't want to. I run really fast, really hard, and I always do slow down Like people don't know that, but you never ask, right, You'd know. Hey, when I write these books, when I'm journaling, when I'm this, when I'm that, I am slowing down, but I have such an intensity to me I have to put that somewhere. It can't sit here Like this, is you know?

Jennifer Loehding:

it's not me striving to be someone. I'm not. Welcome to the Starter Girlz podcast, your ultimate source of inspiration and empowerment. We're here to help women succeed in every area of their lives career, money, relationships, and health and wellbeing. While celebrating the remarkable journeys of individuals from all walks of life, we've achieved amazing things. Whether you're looking to supercharge your career, build financial independence, nurture meaningful relationships or enhance your overall well-being, the Starter Girlz podcast is here to guide you. Join us as we explore the journeys of those who dare to dream big and achieve greatness.

Jennifer Loehding:

I'm your host, jennifer Loehding, and wherever you are tuning in today, we are so glad to have you. So we're going to open this up and I'm going to ask you this what if leadership could feel less like pressure and more like purpose? My guest today blends strategy with soul, proving that compassion and clarity can be a powerful foundation for success. With a voice rooted in emotional intelligence, storytelling and service, she's redefining what it means to lead with heart in high-stake spaces, and so I am so excited to chat with her today. I think this is going to be a fun, enlightening conversation, but before I bring her on, I do need to do a quick shout out to our sponsor.

Jennifer Loehding:

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Jennifer Loehding:

And with that I do want to make a mention to head on over to startergirlz. com. I say this every single week, why? Because three things. One, if you have missed any episodes, you can catch up on all of them there. You can also keep in the know of what's coming out and sign up for our community newsletter. And lastly, if you are an entrepreneur, or maybe you're kind of on the cusp of starting something new, or maybe you're in the thick of it, I don't know. Wherever you are, I've created a two-minute quiz that you can take. That will help you understand what your number one success block is that may be impacting your success. So go over there, take it. It's fun and you will maybe find out something new about yourself. Again. That is startergirlz. com.

Jennifer Loehding:

All right, let's get our guest on today. So joining me today is Emily Erstad. Healthcare executive, indie author and soulful leadership coach. With a master's in speech language pathology, emily currently serves as a regional operations strategist and executive director in the hospice space. She's built high-performing heart center teams and coaches emerging leaders to grow with clarity, confidence and compassion. As the author of it's Not that Deep Navigating Leadership Through the Lens of Emotional Intelligence, emily explores emotional intelligence, self-worth and intentional living. Whether in the boardroom, on the page or behind the mic, she's a voice for leadership that heals and transforms. So welcome, emily, to the show. We are so excited to have you here today.

Emily Erstad:

Thanks for having me. I'm glad to be here.

Jennifer Loehding:

This is going to be so much fun. I'm excited. I'm excited to get with you here today. So Emily and I got to chat a little bit before, or actually last time we connected and it was fun because I always love those conversations that we have sort of pre-podcast, because I get to know a little bit about the human and who they are, and so I love you know, I love what you're doing the human and who they are, and so I love you know, I love what you're doing and I just think you're, I think you're just a neat, awesome young person. I love it, Cause I think you're just you're, you've got your.

Jennifer Loehding:

You're like a maybe I want to say an old soul in a way. Totally yeah, Is that what it is? Maybe that and I've always kind of been that way too, and friends were always much older than me and it always found it so difficult to like, like assimilate with my peers that were the same age as me. I just always felt like I was, like we were having these weird conversations, you know. So I am, I'm just excited to have you on here today. I think this is going to be such a fun conversation.

Emily Erstad:

Yeah, me too. It's been so fun getting to know, know you and all these people through this experience that can so relate. Because, you're right, I have always been an old soul and always really struggled to connect with people around me in like a similar season or stage of life, and that's always confused the crap out of me because I'm like why, why don't I, why can't I get on the same wavelength as you, and so, like having those groups of people that you know I knew I could bring value, but it took me, I think, probably 10 times the effort just to get people on the same page as me and that became very exhausting sometimes because I'm like, so am I just like out of my mind or am I just, you know, in a different page, in a different season? And it's been cool to kind of look back on that through my writing and see how I've grown and identify my strengths, but also be very aware of what my weaknesses are and how to approach life moving forward.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, well, and I hear you when you say that. I never like to say I know how somebody feels, but I can hear what you're saying because I think that is so true. I think for so long you know when you're I don't even know how you define that really because when you're in that space you often, like you said, think there's something wrong with you. You know, like I would go sit down with you know like a group of girls that are kind of all in, I feel like are sort of in the same space, but I would have such a hard time connecting because my brain would be like on a whole different. I'm not saying I'm necessarily smarter, but just in a different season of my life, right, like different parts.

Jennifer Loehding:

It's like now you know like I'm it's even like so much to say like coming from in the business world. You know like when I started my business and my kids were little, and then I'll go sit down with you know moms, for instance, who have young kids and all my kids are grown. Now, like I'm in a whole different season and so I've never quite. I've always been sort of like two steps ahead in a way, and so those conversations have just always been different. I've always done really well with kids, like people that are really younger than me or just older than me. That's how it's always been. It's either like the old group or the young group. I could. I could navigate, so I hear you when you say all that.

Emily Erstad:

Totally. You, when you say all that Totally, I feel very envious of those people because I'm like gosh, it just looks so simple for you guys and so effortless to connect. But I've also learned to embrace the depth that I've gotten to have from being an older soul and so I think it's brought me different seasons of life, different friendships that have met those needs and those moments of time. But I can tell you can also give me quite the complex of like. Should I have said that? Do people understand me? What am I talking about? Do I know what I'm talking about? Half the time I don't. I think I do, you know, and I think that's where it can get kind of messy.

Emily Erstad:

Um, and like almost cause a self-imposed imposter syndrome when you're just trying to exist and that's always been a tricky battle that you know. How do you explain that to someone without not sounding confident? Cause I'm a confident, it's not like a confidence issue, it's a okay, I want to connect with you. I see the value in this friendship but, like you, are so effortless in everything you do and everything I do is so deeply rooted in my core, and so it's like I don't want you to feel like the heaviness that I feel, cause that's just how I exist. It's not something I get to pick, unfortunately, cause that's just how I exist.

Jennifer Loehding:

It's not something I get to pick, unfortunately.

Emily Erstad:

Right, I wish I could. I wish I could just flip it off, like you can't. You can go live in a van for a year, like I would love to, but to have that kind of just go with the flow personality. I aspire to be that person, but it's just not my calling at the moment and so I find myself not angry because that's the wrong word, but it's very frustrating when I know I'm in a different season than everybody around me.

Emily Erstad:

It can be very isolating, especially when you find yourself in these leadership roles that require you to be on an island because you have to make decisions that you don't want to hold other people accountable for, because it's your job to own that responsibility, and I find myself walking that really fine line of vulnerability but not allowing them to absorb my stress that I've I've agreed to take on as the leader. You know, and that's been a new version of myself I've been exploring honestly in recent weeks that I'm like I don't even know how to handle the stress. Like I'm doing the best I can, I'm okay, but I don't feel like I have it locked in. You know, and I think everybody goes through that Yep, it's interesting to see like I wrote this book called it's Not that Deep. Yeah, I'm still struggling to apply it to my old life because I'm like this is brutal, you know. So it's easier said than done.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, we're going to come back to that book in just a minute and we're going to and I want to talk about what never know, like where these are going to like start and go and take off, and I love this. But I think this is such an important thing you're talking about right here because I don't think you need to change you. I think you know what this is. Is that the people that cannot, that the people that that resonates with, that resonates with, like I always tell people for a long time. You know like I used to have people tell me all the time as a child. I thought you know like I would think too much, especially when I was dating. You think too much. You probably heard this your whole life. Right, like you overanalyze. Okay, listen, you're just a deep thinker and here's the thing I have learned.

Jennifer Loehding:

I'm in my fifties now, so I've spent many years going through that whole, like you are, and you know what the thing is, emily, is that here's what I say. People know when they sit down with me, this is not going to be a surface level, bandaid conversation. Okay, you're going to think when you get done talking. I may wear you out, but you are going to be thinking when you leave the conversation right, you're not going to go, oh well, that was boring. No, because I'm going to challenge you, I'm going to go.

Jennifer Loehding:

Oh well, that was boring. No, because I'm going to challenge you. I'm going to force you to think about what you're holding on to Like, that's just the way I operate and that is because that's how I live my life. I don't just go with the status quo or because everybody's going to the right. I'm going to go to the right. I'm going to do what's right for me, and that's going to force me to have to think outside the box and be different, and I've learned that, you know. I think I finally have learned to give myself permission to be okay with that Right, because I feel like the people that that resonate with show up in your life. Those are the people that stick around.

Emily Erstad:

They get to know you and they like Emily, you know what I mean, and I think I've had to get okay with the different depths of relationships that come into your life, like I'm so used to, because I'm so deep, I think every relationship I have needs to be as deep as me. It doesn't like and honestly I don't think I want that either, cause it exhausts me too, like at the end of the day, like you know, everyone's like oh, you just never stop, you never stop. And I'm like you think I love this. People always think like I have this like neurotic energy or I'm like I can't stop. I'm like if I could, I freaking would. It's not like it's not an energy issue, it's not a I don't know how else to explain this. I'm like I just am gifted with this drive, gifted that it just never stops. So I'm like you don't think I want to go park my butt on a beach for three weeks and not care. Clearly I do, but like there's drive in me that's bigger than all of that that I have to honor, because it's a part of who I am. And so everyone's like well, you need to learn to be still. I'm like if my drive to be still was higher than my drive to accomplish these goals, I promise you I would do that, but I think I get really sick. This is being really kind of bold here, but I get so sick of people telling me to slow down Cause I'm like you don't think I want to do that. I'd have enough self-awareness.

Emily Erstad:

I write books Like I know what I. No one's going to know me more than I know myself, so you don't have to educate me on slowing down. Okay, I'm just trying to figure out this energy moving forward because I don't have an option. If I had the option, I promise you I'd exhaust that option, and so I think that misunderstanding I've struggled with most of my life has caused a lot of frustration and also can be very lonely and isolating, because I'm like you just don't see me and sometimes I don't have the energy to get you on the same page, like I don't really care and it's not that I don't, and I think that was a really huge point for me, where I was like you don't care and that's okay, that's a gift, because you always care all the time about everything, and I think I have this fear of running in the wrong direction, but you never ask, right? You'd know, hey, when I write these books, when I'm journaling, when I'm this, when I'm that I am slowing down, but I have such an intensity to me I have to put that somewhere. It can't sit here Like this is. You know, it's not me striving to be someone, I'm not, and so I think that's where it's really interesting.

Emily Erstad:

It's really continued Like, and I don't want to go back, but, like you know, writing recently of like okay, what does this mean? What does this season mean? Because I'm frustrated. I thought I had this figured out, I thought I had developed some emotional intelligence and now I am struggling to even sit with myself in this moment and I'm like it can be so defeating when you feel like you're walking this path and it gets cyclical. But I think there's also a blessing in that, because it's like you've already done this before. Right, this is a new context.

Emily Erstad:

So use those strategies, but keep an open mind and don't get defeated, because I mean, what are you going to do, right, sit there and just let it absorb you. I mean you could some people do that. That's not an option for me, but I will say it moves my life in a really fast pace and it's hard when I am I'm literally 30, doing things that 45 year olds do. So I don't really know who to go to for mentorship or who's going to understand the stress that I'm handling, because people that are 30 don't understand this, you know, not in the way that I understand it. And so now I'm embarking on this journey of a really heavy career, a really heavy series that I'm writing, a marriage like all these things that I'm like okay, and you can go ask 10 people for advice, but it's not their life, you know.

Emily Erstad:

And so I think how do you stay true to yourself Navigating this, still feel the feelings? Cause then I do this crap where I gaslight myself, I'm like everything's good all the time. I'm like Emily, it's not good, and you can say that like you have to fix it, you don't have to fix you. So I think just sitting in that truth is my version of be still or that pause that I need. But it changes daily and it's a freaking roller coaster and it's wearing me. I mean, I'm in the thick of it right now, so I'm kind of glad I get to talk about it, because I hope I look back at this one day and think I remember that and and I'll be looking back at it in another, really hard season.

Emily Erstad:

That's why I'm so called to speak about this, whether it be podcasts or writing or whatever.

Emily Erstad:

It is because I think us introvert and I'm not introverted, but I am because when you are such a deep thinker it forces you to be introverted, because sometimes you just don't have the words to tell people how you feel, and so I think my goal is to build a network of people that understand this and feel seen, because I think feeling seen is something people that think so deeply struggle with, and we need that because it will turn into the cycle of like am I crazy? Am I feeling too much? Like you don't know who to ask because you're stuck in your own head. Right, right, it's easy to say, get out of your head, but like, let's be freaking real, how nobody's really out of their head, like it's attached to your body. So I don't know what we're saying, you know, and so it's just. It's just yeah no-transcript.

Jennifer Loehding:

So I'm thinking I'm like you're like, so close to my daughter's age, okay, and, and I've got, and we and these conversations are like all things I've had with my kids at different times and myself, and it's usually high achiever people that are like you and me because I get this, I get it, I get it. You know, like, you've heard the saying they always say it's lonely at the top. Right, when you're working for things that you're excited about and you're passionate about and you're a go-getter, you know it's like you're doing too much, you're not doing enough, right, like you're lazy, you're not. You're doing weight, you're doing, you're an overachiever right, you're doing all these things. But really, I think the big message here in all of this is just be true to yourself and whatever that is. If you, being a high achiever makes you thrive, you're going to do that's what you're going to do to thrive, right, you sitting on the couch is not going to allow, right? And here's the thing. You know, I call it the crash and burn cycle, because that's what I go through, where you go 90 to nothing and then you have a burn, except my burns get really bad, they turn into health crisis or just like something just really bad and I have to sit in that for a while, you know, heal up again, get back and then here we go again, back to the crash and burn cycle, right? But this is the thing. You know, the way you do. You is you, emily and whatever.

Jennifer Loehding:

However you choose to make that downtime, if that's into your writing, whatever, that is, that's your thing, right. Like I'm, the same way. Like my downtime, I want to go exercise. I mean, some people will be like, why is that downtime? That's my downtime. Like, right, that's what I like to do. For sometimes I like to go play the piano, sometimes you know it's I want to go out and have social. I want to go out and go networking or something. So I force myself to get out and talk. Because, yes, when you're in your head all the time, it's easy to sit in your head and want to stay in your house. Because you're working all the time and grinding. You don't want to talk to people, right? So I have to get out and force myself to go network so that I will do that. So I think the point here is there's nothing wrong with you or what you're doing.

Jennifer Loehding:

I think this is just your season. You're in and you will laugh. I was cracking up because I'm like, yes, you probably will. You'll get to another thing and you'll be like dude. I thought that was like a hard season and, oh my gosh, this is like worse than that one. But you know what it's all you're setting the stage for every season that you go into, right, and your priorities are going to change. You're going to evolve and that's a beautiful thing, like what's important to you now. Today, five or 10 years from now, you might have kiddos and be, you know, like more kids, wherever you're at. I don't know where you're at right now, but you'll be in maybe a whole different season. Right, like I was laughing, like you're going to crack up.

Jennifer Loehding:

So I have cousins that are I'm the oldest cousin in our family. We don't have a lot of cousins, but the youngest cousins are like your age, I mean, they're young. They have little kids, right, all my kids are adults now. Like my youngest is 21. So I'm sort of close to that weird, crazy, almost empty nesting stage which is so weird to me, right, but they have little people.

Jennifer Loehding:

And I was cracking up because my cousin put up a post one day about one of her young ones is playing soccer and she was like nervous about the soccer and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's downhill from here. It's all over. Just wait until they buy a motorcycle. My son just got a motorcycle, bought a Corvette. Just wait, it's like the minute they start driving a car and you have absolutely no control whatsoever, right? Or like when they think they're adults because they're 18 now, but yet they can't pay their bills, but yet you can't tell them what to do. They're adults because they're 18 now, but yet they can't pay their bills, but yet you can't tell them what to do.

Jennifer Loehding:

Cause I'm like I was just cracking up, but I remember being in that season, right, like I remember being that mom with little kids and my kids were doing things and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so in love my kids climbing a tree. Get them out of the tree. You know like it's just where we are in our seasons, right, and I think that's the beautiful mess about it. That's where we are, you know, and we get to embrace it and live it and it's okay. You know to be where you are and what you're doing and I commend you. I think it's awesome, I think it's, I think it's awesome.

Emily Erstad:

Yeah, it's been interesting too because I'm not a fearful person. I mean, I'm sure if you asked my mother, I've probably kept her on the edge of her seat most of my life, you know, and so you know, moved across the country pretty young with like no money in my name, and I was. I wasn't reckless, I knew what I was doing, but it felt pretty reckless, right, right, um, it's so interesting because that's for someone that hates loneliness so much. I put myself in a lot of very isolating situations because it's my and I've I've had to kind of it's interesting how my life and how my cycle works. It's like if my life and how my cycle works, it's like if my life places me in these situations that just forced me to face my worst fears possible. And I think so. Sometimes I rushed into things because I'm like I just want to get this over with. Right, just do it. Yeah, let's just get it over with.

Emily Erstad:

But then seasons, like I'm in now, where it's like I can't bear to do this one more day, like I can't feel lonely, I can't feel disconnected, and that desperation that comes with like is it just me? And I mean, I don't think it's ever just you, just to be listening. I think there's something to learn from that and that's like really philosophical and that gets exhausting in itself. But I think that's when the B still comes in, of just get through it and quit getting into the thick of it in your head, like sometimes it's just your endurance that you're building for something greater.

Emily Erstad:

You know, I've always found the closer I've gotten to really big goals, the harder my life has gotten every single time. Um, and I'm in that season right now where there's just a bunch of opportunities arising at the same time and some things are exiting my life, um, without my choice, and it hurts because I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It wasn't my plan, you know, right, right, um, and so it's like sometimes I'm just thankful that I didn't have to make the choice and I just have to bear the grief. But that doesn't mitigate the grief you feel of that loss when you weren't ready.

Emily Erstad:

And I think that's where I thought you know being a deep feeler at such a young age I'm like I'll never feel this again. I'll never feel this desperate again. I'm going to do so well that I never feel this again. Right, right.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, that doesn't work that way.

Emily Erstad:

So it's so interesting because we, you know, and I think that's so ironic because here I am, working in hospice where grief is so prevalent all the time yeah, let myself grieve and it's great. And I'm like, well, my grief isn't worthy, it's not this bad, why am I grieving this? And I'm like invalidating myself when I could just say you know what I need to grieve this. I'm going to turn my sad girl music on and cry it out and it's like for me. I think where I struggle because I'm such a deep thinker, is I can also torture myself and feel something too long, and so I worry that I won't bounce back sometimes.

Emily Erstad:

And so I worry that I won't bounce back sometimes. So, in the thick of this, I'm like when you're getting pushed to those kinds of limits, like I am right now, I'm like will I be okay?

Emily Erstad:

Like will I bounce back Because I don't feel good today, like I don't feel like and that's, I know, that's where the best growth happens and that's where I'm becoming the best version of myself. But sometimes, selfishly, I'm like I'm only freaking. 30 years old. Do I have to learn every hard lesson right now? You know you're a deep thinker, you do.

Jennifer Loehding:

Unfortunately, I just had this conversation today, emily, because we're going through something kind of hard here in our house and I said the same thing. I've had lots of I feel like, when you are, I don't know what it is and it may be, you know, I know, for me and maybe this is true for you is that I feel like, because I have a voice, I feel like that we get selected sometimes to have those things, to speak into other people. Right, I want to talk about your book in a minute, but sometimes I feel that, as I've had people say light seekers, you know, just call them different names. Seekers, you know, just call them different names. I think that we sort of get chosen to um, have the everybody has hard things, right. But, like you said, like you sometimes feel like you just get a lot, like they just come at it. It's I, this is what I attribute it to.

Jennifer Loehding:

You're living life fully. You're living fully. You don't live life on the sidelines, you don't partake on a small level. You, you partake in a very big way. So you probably do a lot of things, like you've mentioned, with passion and heart. Right, you put your, you put a lot into it. So in order for that to happen, you've got to have the bad with it. You've got because you would never be able to embrace the joy and I and I firmly believe that you know like when, when you're in the thick of something, you have to cling on to that. You have to think about it, because if you were living on the sidelines, you probably wouldn't experience much life and you probably wouldn't have very much bad, because you weren't really putting yourself out there to have good. You know what I mean, and so it's totally I'm with you on this.

Jennifer Loehding:

I feel like every time, just about the time I get clear, I get something that I think life is coasting pretty good, I get hit with another bombshell that I didn't ask for and it's like why, why, why, why am I having to deal with this right now? Why am I being chosen for this?

Emily Erstad:

I didn't want this, I don't care to have, I don't care to speak about it no, and that's where I feel too, cause it's like I've also been given that gift and I'm meeting. It's really interesting because the more aligned I get in my walk right, the more aligned I get. I think I was very intentional.

Emily Erstad:

Something I value as like a core value is consistency and authenticity and so I wanted to be a very consistent, authentic person, like I might not be the happiest every day, I might not be the you know the, the sunshine that you're used to, but you're going to call me, I'm going to pick up and I'm still there for you and I cause I felt like through my life I've never had that person.

Emily Erstad:

So I'm like, well, there's obviously a gap, like we need more of this and so it's interesting Cause, like, the more I align myself and find these opportunities, the more cyclical my life gets and that can also, as inspirational as it is, can feel very trapped, like trapping. And it makes me feel trapped because I'm like, no matter how fast I run, because I weirdly enough, I'm I'm a runner, like a track star. You will not see someone goes to you faster than me when I am so done, like my poor staff are. Like when you're done talking, you just hang up the phone. I'm like goodbye, talk to you tomorrow, we're finished. Like I need, I need to breathe without your thoughts. I'm kind of just bringing him away.

Emily Erstad:

I'm kind of I get it, I'm done, but when I'm there, I'm kind of I get it, I'm done, but when I'm there, I'm so fully invested and I give myself that grace, cause I'm like you can't do it all the time, but you can always be intentional with the time you can get because of your bandwidth, right. So I think I get, I don't want, I don't want to say frustrated, cause I, I, I see the greater purpose. Like I see it. I's funny because at such a young age I was like five years old my mom always reminds me she's like you used to say you wanted to be a missionary, like as a toddler, and I didn't know what the heck that was. I didn't know what that was. Yeah, oh, it's interesting because you know I went to be a therapist a speech therapist to not manage people. I'm like I can connection, but then I found that one-on-one is really hard for me to have boundaries with oh, yes.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yes, you're probably an empath. You're very invested in that conversation.

Emily Erstad:

Yeah, and you're feeling it, you're feeling their pain right there with them. And it's like so hard when you get us like you just get charged with it suddenly and you're like ask for that. And so then I was like, okay, this might be feeding into something that's not healthy for me. And so I somehow ended up up in management and I mentioned this because it's been my greatest wins but my heart, like my harshest struggles. And not only do I end up in management, I get in the probably most high stress scenario possible with hospice, because the emotion, the grief is high, like everything's heightened.

Emily Erstad:

And it's so interesting because I thought you know little, emily was like if I just create these environments of like, not stress, I'll be fine, because then I don't have to handle it. And I'm like, but that's not your purpose. Your purpose is to create these environments and expand them past you so other people can find this peace Right. And I'm like, okay, that's really cool, but like I don't want to do that. Like what? Like I just want to go to work and come home. And it's so interesting because you would be so bored.

Jennifer Loehding:

You say that you would be bored.

Emily Erstad:

Yes, and so it's so crazy, cause it's like I love. I love my life, I love what I've got. Like it's so hard because I have this this calling and I don't know what else it is, and I feel myself getting closer to it. But when you get closer, you lose relationships. You gain relationships Like you just do this. I always feel like it's a chapter closing. That's how the only reason I can kind of that's how it feels like you're turning the right, right Ready and I'm like okay, but this is happening faster than it happened last time. Like how does this keep getting faster? I'm like.

Emily Erstad:

I don't want this to go faster.

Jennifer Loehding:

It's definitely I don't know what the word is with this. It's like the seven flow thing and I think the good thing about this, emily, is that the more like you're I don't want to say you're where it was or anything, because I like to compare people, I don't like to compare people I think this will get, the more you embrace and it starts, it gets a little bit easier. I'm not going to say it's always perfect and you don't still wrestle with some of this, but I think the more acceptance you become, you know, like I've just for me, like for so long, because I felt misunderstood, or like I still sometimes I think people, a lot of times they look at me and they think that I'm like cold and that I'm like heartless and I'm not at all. I'm not at all. I'm not at all. I don't have time for drama. I don't get into drama. I am the nicest person. You will probably one of the nicest person people you'll ever meet. Like I will help you if you need help. Like I probably give away more than I should to people, more time than I really should, um, but I don't. I don't like being taken advantage of and I don't like people being aggressive and I don't like people, you know, having drama around me. And I will like you. I will run faster than you can, I will be done. I will be so over it, I'm done. I'm just finished with somebody, something when I'm done.

Jennifer Loehding:

And so I think the point that also that I'm making is that you know, when you start to really just embrace who you are and be okay with it, I think it gets so much easier because you realize I've just learned that a lot of people don't really like me, emily, and that's okay. They don't. They. A lot of, especially women. They they think I'm because I'm, I'm hard and I'm and I'm tough and I'm mean and a lot of. That's because my life has shaped me that way and that's had two really weird medical conditions I've had to navigate that have landed me in the ER multiple times. They have, they have caused me to be suicidal. That's why I wrote my book about that. You know I've I've been through a, an abusive marriage, and then I got remarried. I've been married 29 years but I mean I've had a lot of weird things in my life that have forced me to have to be the way I am, and that's okay, right.

Jennifer Loehding:

I think the point here is that I've learned to just embrace who I am and be like I just recognize. Not everybody's going to understand me. They're not going to, and I don't, and that's not my job to make them. My job is to put a voice out to the people that want to hear what I have to say, and those people that can resonate with that are going to pick it up and they're going to get it and they know what I'm speaking and what I'm trying to tell. And, like you, I like.

Jennifer Loehding:

I like loyalty and consistency. If you call me up, I'm probably going to be loyal. I'm going to tell you truth. I'm not going to speak into you. I'm not going to tell you a bunch of stuff you want to hear. I'm going to speak, say you know, go over there and be mad at you and hang on to this Like I'm going to say what I have to say. I'm done with it. Five minutes from now I'm going to be your friend again. I mean, I'm going to be over it, because that's how I am, you know, and so it takes a lot of work to be that person so it's comfortable to share this with you that I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Emily Erstad:

I would have just kind of walked on my merry way, you know, and I think to me that's, that's for me. You know, I'm like I even trust you to be honest, because this is vulnerable for me to share my discernment with you.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, and I get it.

Emily Erstad:

I mean, I get it that people come to you for it and you're like and then hate you for it at the same time. And I I did find that to be very true when I started my role. You know, I'm young, I'm bubbly, blah, blah, blah. People have their perceptions of me. Sure, coming into healthcare, which is predominantly women that are not 30, running companies, right, I mean, they were not. My friends and I had deep-seated trust issues because I was trying to connect and they were manipulating, you know, and it took me a long time to realize.

Emily Erstad:

Your intention is everything, and if you're so, that's where I think professionally, it shaped me as well, where I was like, if I'm just so consistently myself all the time and I'm so authentically myself, it doesn't really matter what people say, cause I know who I am and the people that matter know who I am, and so it's very bold approach, but it's the only way that's worked, because it's like you so desperately want those, that mentorship and that connection from people that have lived it.

Emily Erstad:

But if they're not deep thinkers and they're not empathic and they don't see beyond themselves and they're coasting in comparison to people like us, you don't want to ask advice from people that you don't want to be like. I would agree with you on that. Yes, and that's where it got real weird, because I remember when I initially started my I had leadership, but then I went into these executive director roles, which was just a whole other level of responsibility, and I was trying to connect with other women and they saw me as a threat and they were going to do whatever they could to take me down and I was so flabbergasted and it's so interesting because I would consider myself a very loving person.

Emily Erstad:

I'm not a very trusting person and so that's hard.

Emily Erstad:

I think sometimes these seasons of loneliness we're kind of talking about that accompany the positions we put ourselves in force me to talk about trust. You know and it's interesting podcast I've been really talking about trust and vulnerability and the spectrum and this, and that you know. You can talk about that whatever. But I think here the purpose of that is a little different. Sometimes you're forcing these force into these seasons of loneliness because you need to learn to trust somebody. I would agree. Yeah, it almost like forces you to reach out beyond yourself, because it gets so lonely to the point that you're desperate to reach out and trust somebody because you can't take it anymore. Yeah, and that was like a knowing.

Emily Erstad:

I just recently got where I was, like Emily, you're lonely because you're not embracing people around you. You're lonely because you're not letting people see you, because you're scared of who you are. But you're not. Yeah, I'm someone that will take the path of least resistance and adjust myself to get where I need to go. I'm not so stubborn that I won't listen and change. There's only so much you can give and take, and people's opinions of you really only gets you so far.

Emily Erstad:

Perception is everything, though, so it's like who are we choosing? What are we doing? And I think each season of life brings a new chapter that requires you to shift a bit, and that's where I'm learning what that looks like and I think I'll continue to learn. But I'm getting in these new contexts, these new lenses. You know, having conversations with people as authentic as we're having and then just spitting in your face and you're like I can't believe that just happened. I'm literally reaching out to you with framework and supports and you're gaslighting me like it's believable, and you know it's because they're hurt and they're insecure and they're reacting out of fear. So I don't know what the season is and I share that very transparently, because I'm dealing with a lot of fear and self-doubt. I'm dealing with a lot of which there's no reason for and I know that. But if I'm really honest with you, those are my intrusive thoughts when I write down and you can only cognitively reframe yourself so much Like sometimes you just have to exist in those thoughts until they pass.

Jennifer Loehding:

And that's I agree, I think so on that, emily, yeah.

Emily Erstad:

Failure. It's not that you don't know, it's that you just have to get comfortable knowing that these are your biggest fears. And I actually was going through a coaching session last night and I was like you know I fear that I'm going to run too fast in the wrong direction. I fear that I'm going to focus on the wrong thing and miss an opportunity. Because I did everything, because I've done it in the past, I have had blaring red flags on my face and, out of loyalty, stayed and hurt myself because, for what you know.

Emily Erstad:

And so I think that's where some of my fear can make me just hesitant and not really just very unsure, because I'm all about hard work and tenacity, but I am not about burning myself because, like you, I mean, I developed an autoimmune disorder that for a bit, like I thought, it was functioning.

Jennifer Loehding:

No, the worst, I'm telling you, any chronic condition.

Emily Erstad:

Yeah, and it became chronic. Now I'm doing really well at managing it right now, but I can feel myself walking this fine line where I'm like calling some people I do trust and I'm like I'm not someone to say I can't do something, I can't do this, like I'm serious, I can't take one more thing and I don't want to reach this point. But it's where I'm at and if I don't tell you, I just want you to know like I'm going to get through this, but like I'm here and I can't, and I think that doesn't mean I'm less capable, that doesn't mean like I still everything is still true to what I've done to this moment in time, and that's why I'm speaking to myself right now Like everything is still true You're still an author, you're still the ED, you're still a new wife learning your life, you're still a sister, you're still the daughter. Like you're still this person. Um, it's not one piece, you know. I think that's kind of my intention as a person. My purpose is it's a whole story and it's your story, it's my story, it's whoever's story.

Emily Erstad:

And getting really uncomfortable with the discomfort, but not seeing discomfort as failure. It's not failure, it's entering this next season of life, and so quit beating yourself up over the fact that you can't be sunshine and rainbows today, or that you can't fix everyone's problems, because you're just existing. You're human too, you get grace too, and the grace that you give everyone else should be reciprocated. And if it's not being reciprocated, that might be the universe, god, whoever you believe, telling you that this is no longer a good fit for you. And take that and don't do what I do and beat a dead horse and then be confused as to why this is happening, because that's like the universe will be like yeah, take this off your plate, you don't have to worry about it, and I'm over here. Like no, you want this? Yeah, you know, it's just crazy.

Jennifer Loehding:

This is the whole, with this whole like 20, what do we do here? 35 minutes of emotion, almost 36 minutes of emotional intelligence, iq, right here in this conversation. All this right here, bingo, talking about navigating the complexities of being a high achiever and being authentic. And I think you know. This last part of this conversation, this sitting in emotion thing, I think is important because I think so often, yes, we tell ourself that we shouldn't be allowed to feel an emotion, and here's the thing. I think that's where stoicism comes in. I think that we should be allowed to feel the emotion, and I'm learning to now. You know this latter, I guess I don't know what you'd call this, this part of my life, to be okay with saying I'm angry right now, I'm sad right now, I am confused, I am just, I don't know what I am. Right now I'm having apathy, whatever it is. Sit in this, but also saying I will get through this.

Jennifer Loehding:

I told somebody that the other day, because I'm sitting in the thick of something right now, I feel a little better. Today, something hit, dropped in on Thursday, and I've just from Thursday till yesterday which is what? Monday, so Thursday, it hit me. Friday, saturday, sunday, so four days I've been sitting in this and I've just I've had this wave of different. You know I've been angry, sad. I've just had this wave of today. I feel a little bit more in a um, uh I don't know what the word proactive mode, in action mode. Now I feel like now but that was four days I've been dealing with that and I was still functioning, I was still doing what I needed to do. But I just told myself you know what, I will get through this. I need to work, process this in my head. It's not going to matter what somebody says or does or doesn't do, I just need to work through that in my head and process all of that emotion right. So I think, no matter what we're going through, we have this whole little grief cycle and sometimes it's a long grief, sometimes it's a very. We go through the cycles very quickly.

Jennifer Loehding:

But whatever these pieces are you've talked about letting things go and new coming in I think we just have to go through them and we have to give ourself permission to accept that emotion but also tell ourselves we will get through this right. Give ourself that, knowing that we will work through this. Because you mentioned that earlier thinking, am I going to be able to get through this. Yes, emily, you're going to get through it and you know you will, because you've done hard things before, right? I think it's just that, telling yourself I will. I just need to be okay, sitting in that feeling for a little bit and allowing myself that time to process that.

Jennifer Loehding:

And, depending on the circumstance, I don't want to come on here and tell anybody because I work with people on this and I don't want to come on here and say, well, do that in 24 hours or 10 minutes. Everybody's timeframe is different. I tend to on things that are not near as hard. You know like I'm a 24 hour window girl, so a lot of times I will say I'm going to sleep on this, I'm not making any decisions, I'm going to stew in this, sleep on it in the morning. It's a new day, I'm starting over.

Jennifer Loehding:

This particular thing was heavy. I needed a few more days to get through it, you know. So it does kind of depend on the circumstance, but I do try to, you know, do things to help myself get out of that, and I think that's where great tools come in writing, like you were talking about earlier, whatever that is. It can help us kind of facilitate that process. That's all part of the emotional intelligence, right.

Jennifer Loehding:

It's knowing where you're at in your stage, allowing yourself that time to grieve, but also knowing that you need to be smart enough to work yourself out of it, to work yourself to a place where you can get back on point, because eventually, at some point you got to get out of it, or it's not going to do you any good any longer Right now. It's not going to serve you well. So I think all this stuff you said has been really good and it's good. I want to talk a little bit about your book, because I know your book is. You're passionate about this and you're you're clearly passionate about all the things you do, and I can tell by listening to you, because you don't feel things lightly and I know I get it. This is me. I go to sit down with somebody and I go and like when I'm done, I'm like did I wear?

Emily Erstad:

you out? I don't think we. I think we could go on.

Jennifer Loehding:

This could be like we're both going to be exhausted, we're going to wear ourselves out in this conversation. Because I told somebody the other day I said you know what I do these podcasts. I love them because I meet all kinds of people. But it's so funny because some people get on and they're very calm and it's an easy conversation for me because it's not a thinking conversation but it's a calm conversation and when I'm done I'm like okay, then I have summer, we just ping pong it. It's like bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And then I have these kinds of conversations where they're like really deep, you know, and then I get done and I'm like, man, that was good, but I can't think anymore today, like my brain just needs to relax.

Emily Erstad:

I feel like that's my life every day. At the end of the day, I'm like, wow, that was intense.

Jennifer Loehding:

My husband will come home and want to put politics on and I'm like, oh hell, no, no, do not even. I'm like, how do you do that? He's an engineer. I'm like, how do you even do that all day and then want to come home and look at that? I don't want to talk about guns politics any of our.

Emily Erstad:

I don't want to learn anything, I just want to.

Jennifer Loehding:

I want you to put trash on tv. I want to watch some bad tv. I don't want to have to get into any characters any depth I just want to.

Emily Erstad:

I just want to watch.

Jennifer Loehding:

That's where tiktok comes in handy the scroll videos and dogs and people like you like to look at them. Like, how do you get lost in that? I'm like I'm detoxing, do you man? I'm looking for a video.

Emily Erstad:

I'm like I'm getting inspiration to buy another cat.

Jennifer Loehding:

No, yeah, we don't want to do that. That's been part of our crisis, is we? We don't want any more.

Emily Erstad:

They're like why do we do?

Jennifer Loehding:

this yeah, exactly, I'm like. He's like please don't do that, don't don't get inspired to do any of that. Maybe get inspired to like paint a wall or something.

Emily Erstad:

I've painted many walls. You should see the house. Don't even get me started. People are going to listen to this and laugh their butts off.

Jennifer Loehding:

We're giving high achievers hope that they're not insane, that it's okay to be you and whatever the craziness and all of that that is with it. Right, that makes you the beautiful person that you are. But let's talk about this book, because I know I want to read it. After talking to you, I need to go get your book and read it. I think it's going to be great. So tell us a little bit about the inspiration behind it, and obviously it's about emotional intelligence, but maybe give us what you want us to know about that thing.

Emily Erstad:

Yeah, so I started as a blog and then it kind of evolved into a book. I wrote it in five months and just like live action, like chapter after chapter, I had a framework in mind of what I wanted and then at the time I was actually overcoming some of my largest challenges, which was like vulnerability, timing, you know, trusting the timing and, even if it's not yours, perfectionism and what that looks like and how it can be your greatest diminisher of yourself. And so when I wrote it I was like giving myself permission to say it's not that deep. And I'm like, well, that's really funny because if anybody knows me, they know I'm the deepest person. So it was like an intentional oxymoron because I'm like it's not that deep, emily, yeah, permission to shut up. So I was like it's not that deep because it create that space for you. And so you know I wrote the book and it was it was for the professional season that I was in and I loved it and I it gave me opportunity to kind of show some of the strategies. So it has a lot of strategies in there that I use. It has a lot of metaphorical, real life conversation.

Emily Erstad:

I always kind of say there's so many self-help books out there. This isn't a self-help book. It is, but it's it's it's a spiritual guidance. It is a self-help because that fits that niche Right, right. But I find my book at the crossroads of self-help and that poetic, raw, metaphorical, whatever I don't even know how else and so it's brought me on this very interesting journey. And so I've continued to write afterwards, because when I published the first book, I self-published it. I just wanted to check a box and say I did it, and then I was like I just put all my thoughts on the internet really boldly, like that, and it took me a minute to be okay with that, to be honest. So I I uh published a book about a year ago, um, and I'm already on my second book because my husband was like it's not that deep he goes really, it's that deep for you, and I was like you're right. So at first it made me so mad because I was like how dare you? I've worked my butt off.

Emily Erstad:

And then I was like yep, I need to keep writing. So I'm on my. I am actually about to find a way to publish my next book into, to kind of honor both sides of it, and the reason I mentioned it all is because it's just it's not the whole purpose of the book, is? It never stops, so why would I stop? And you know, now I'm in the season of life where we're taught.

Emily Erstad:

We're echoing some of the things I've written in that book in different ways, but I really tied it to nature because that's where I find my peace and that's why it has that the ocean vibes and like all that because I think a lot of our life cycles reflect water and earth and all these things, and I think there's something very spiritual about that that we need to honor, and so that's kind of why I wrote it the way I did, and so if you're someone that resonates with this conversation or is looking for creating space to level up, or if you're someone that just wants to feel heard, I think you'd love the book. I love the book, even though it's really hard for me to read it right now because I've read it like an exhaustive amount of times. But it's cool to be able to live that book in different contexts, and I think that's my favorite part about all of this is it's it's always relatable because it's you're always cycling back, and so I think it's a book that you could read every five years and get something else from it. That's something I'm recently learning, a year later, as I look at it and I'm like, wow, I see that, like I said that, but now I understand it in this context, and so it was supposed to be a timeless book.

Emily Erstad:

I think I achieved it, but I'm also going to give a couple more whacks at it with my next couple books, just because I think it honors what I'm talking about right the different seasons, the different lenses. So, as I continue, I'm hoping to approach leadership through these different lenses that I'm approaching Because I think what I'm saying isn't unique. We've all lived it. It's not new. I think I've just found new language to identify it that might feel a little bit more raw and that's kind of the intention behind it, and I'm hoping that there's room for me and my journey and that you guys connect with that as well, because I think there's a lot of opportunity behind this. I'm just trying to figure out what that looks like.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah, yeah, well, and I think the thing you're right, a lot of the messages are the same, but your story is your story and that's what makes it unique. And I think also that you know it's kind of like when I bring people on the show. You know my if you read my book. I always tell people if you want to know my story, read my book. I laugh now because I wrote this in 2019 and, yeah, I need a 2.0. I definitely I've learned so much just since the time I wrote this. But it's my story. It's it's kind of what led me to where I am today, why I'm doing this. I mean, I'm a very much different person today than I was five, 10 years ago. I was in Mary Kay, I was in leadership in Mary Kay a different space, you know, and. But I think the principles and the truth stand, true, but I think the voices are different and that's what I was saying kind of alluding to when I bring people on the show is that everybody knows my story and the things I speak of and the truths and what I'm putting out there, but you guys become a voice in that message that goes out and sometimes that one person may hear what I say 10 times and they hear it through the lens of you know, hear it through a different set of mouths, a different set of eyes, whatever, and all of a sudden it speaks a new truth into them and they're like, oh, I've never heard that before and it's like we've been talking about that. You know like I always laugh when the coaches want to come on the show and they're like, oh well, I'm talking about holistic health and how the mind and the body are integrated and you can't separate business. Okay, that's my entire work.

Jennifer Loehding:

If you study anything that I do, you will know that I'm all about health and wellness. I'm all about all the things surviving in relationships, financial, you know all the things. But I know that it all starts with us, and the only reason I know that is because these are all areas of my life I've had to work on. These are all you know things that I've had to overcome or navigate or learn really hard lessons in the depths of those and can speak into them now, and so I think that your voice needs to be heard and that's why we put these things out there is because there is somebody that's going to resonate with that message that you're putting out and that person will be changed by hearing what you have to say. So I want to commend you on that. So keep writing, because writing is not easy and I admire you for doing it, because people keep asking me if I'm going to do another book and I'm like I am not doing another book right now.

Emily Erstad:

I do not want to do another book right now, oh my gosh. Well, when, when, cause you know you've released a book, and that's like the immediate question people ask you after you release a book. Fun fact and I was like devastated, Cause I'm like do you understand how much effort that went into that book?

Jennifer Loehding:

Having a baby, emily, when people go, are you going to have another one? Well, hell, no, I'm not dealing with this one.

Emily Erstad:

This is what I put out in the world, you know. But I won't lie. It's sped up my writing and it's and I'm trying to write real time so that I can be as raw and honest as I can be. But I think it's cool too to pair with these podcasts, as I'm in the season, because, you know, writing, talking, whatever, as hard as it is to get on here on days that you're just exhausted, it's, it fills your cup, you know, and it makes you feel like what you're doing is worth it. And this is my purpose, even though my worst days it feels like it's not my purpose and I'm just draining myself. But, um, you know, and if that's where you find yourself at I think a lot of us find this there in the season of life you know, don't stop, because even if it, even if it just means going from 30 to 10 miles an hour, it still matters, you know, and I think that's kind of where I'm at and it doesn't have to be your version of perfect which we talk about.

Jennifer Loehding:

And it's not. So the perfectionism, I mean I'm saying my number one subconscious block, by the way, as I was doing my whole, you know, building out that program, that little quiz. I told you that I at the very beginning, as I was building that out, I realized in the midst of that that perfectionism is mine because I kept stalling and not getting it done and I was like I finally hired help, got help to help me finish, because then it forced me to have to to get things done, cause I was paying for it and people were counting on me to get it done. So yeah.

Jennifer Loehding:

Emily, this has been amazing and you're right, we could talk forever, but I know you have things to do and I certainly have things to do. I do want to ask you if anybody wants to grab this book or connect with you. How, where do?

Emily Erstad:

you want us to send them? Sure. So Amazon is not that deep, it's on there. I also have a website, eepublicationscom. It's in the middle of getting redone. Hopefully by the end of this episode, when it airs, it'll be fresh and new and beautiful. You can connect with me on there, with all my socials and everything.. I'm sending you an email. I'm happy to connect and I look forward to it.

Jennifer Loehding:

Yeah Well, this has been great. Thank you for chatting with us and for all your authenticity and rawness, all the things today. It was a great conversation and I want to commend you for, you know, stepping up and filling those roles. I know that's not easy, you know, being a young person trying to navigate all the big things in the world. But it's like I tell my kids, you know, because my youngest, I told you, my youngest is 21. My oldest is 28.

Jennifer Loehding:

She'll be 29 this year and she took a new role, kind of mid-year last year as a bilingual school teacher, went back to school and got her degree and went back in such a I feel, like another hard profession to jump into. You know, and and I'm always telling her, you know, like you were chosen to do those things for a reason and so you just be true to you and step into the space and do the best you can do every day, you know, and that's all you can do, right? So I want to commend you for all of it and keep writing and keep sharing and we'll stay connected because I want to keep up with what you're doing and we'll also make sure, when this goes out, we get the show notes in there so they know how to find the book and get in touch with you.

Emily Erstad:

Thank you so much. It's been awesome, thank you.

Jennifer Loehding:

Thank you Of course, our audience know we appreciate you and hope you found this episode both informative and inspiring. And if you did, you know what to do. Do all the things hit the like, subscribe, share, so we can keep sharing all this fabulous content. And as I always say, in order to live the extraordinary, you must start, and every start begins with a decision. You guys, take care, be safe, be kind to one another and we will see you next time. Thank you.

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Jennifer Loehding

Host
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Emily Erstad

Guest